2018 Journal #1

So, without going into too much detail, 2018 has been an odd sort of hell on my mental health. My mind kind of splintered in the first three months and I was lost. I started drinking a bit too much, I stopped exercising, and I stopped (for the most part) writing. 
I felt as if I was two people: An "old" version of me who was jealous, selfish, manipulative, and materialistic... And the "current" version of me who I have been for several years: confident, caring, and kind. Those two Brandon's argued constantly in my brain. It was loud and distracting and I couldn't really pay attention to the world around me. I grew frustrated at small situations, didn't want to interact in public, and also hated being at home. My therapeutic hobbies became too much effort and I backed away from everything in order to try and shield my fractured brain.

Fortunately, I am fixing myself. I'm in control over my drinking habits, started at a new gym, and, thanks to Kristi, started writing again.

There is still a lot to work on, though. Still a lot of these little "Will Power" things that cause me stress. Though my boss doesn't care, it really bothers me that I am walking into work at 7:07 a.m. instead of clocking in at 7. It's only a 10 minute difference, but why am I consistently 5-10 minutes late? It's ridiculous. 
I am not heading to the gym as consistently as I need to. I can't blame it on sleep, or being hungry, or not having gym clothes... because those are all things under my control. I am just being lazy about it. I've been twice in two weeks, and that will not form a habit. And I need it to be a habit.
I need to edit my gaming videos. My friends and I have made a few fun videos in relating to Gaming. It took me a little more than two years to actually be brave enough to schedule them and get them in the chairs, it was SO much fun. They enjoyed it too, and as they left, Daniel asked, "So, same time next week?" Anyway, the issue is I now have about 200Gigs worth of video to put together and edit, and I haven't yet. Minecraft and DOOM and other video games have gotten in the way. If I could start the editing, I would enjoy it. But I need to fucking edit it for them to see the product.

I used to follow this philosophic idea "Do something today that will make tomorrow you proud." It helped me a lot, cause I could picture tomorrow me as a separate person, as a friend, and make them proud. "Sore muscles will make you happier tomorrow Brandon, Go to the gym today" type of thing. I dropped that philosophy even before the start of 2018, because I had someone else to rely on, someone else to make proud, now I don't.
I'm going to start trying to treat my "tomorrow me" as a friend again and treat him the way he needs to be treated. He needs healthier foods, needs exercise, and he needs writing for his mental health. Starting with these journals.

Thank you for reading.
Shepsus