2018 Journal #4- Walking barefoot

This evening my mind started to tick, tick, tick. I didn't like it, I couldn't concentrate properly. Typically when it ticks, I try to find distraction. I open up a browser and go to YouTube, Facebook, Imgur all in a row and then close it out unsure of what I want to do but clearly wanting to do something. It means something is bothering me. Or, more simply put, I want to write.
Instead, I elected to go for a walk. It's cleared my mind in the past and help me sort through my thoughts, and funnily enough the moment I stepped outside I knew I wanted to write a blog post. But, since I don't get many opportunities to walk barefoot outside I chose to walk first. I figured that it would help the tick, help the itch that my brain was doing.
Honestly, I didn't make it very far. Right now I'm just talking to my phone and allowing it to write the words while I walk toward the wash in front of my dad's neighborhood to feel the soft, wet grass underneath my feet.
Everyone from Arizona should understand that walking barefoot isn't commonplace here. The ground is always far too hot. Tonight it rained and I saw the opportunity. So why not take it?
The grass felt nice by the way.
I've been in a learning type mood for the past day or so. Daniel turned me on to it, we went to the mall and he bought a book related to accounting and stocks. I purchased a book for the third time called Think and Get Rich by Napoleon Hill. First time I'm reading it though, I attempted to consume it two other times: the first time the book was long and thin, graphic novel like, and I really couldn't take it seriously because of that fact alone. The second time I got it on Audible and listening to someone on the subject matter seems contradictory in a weird sort of way.
This time however it is book shaped and I am enjoying it. I left it at work though, which of course means I want to read it.

Changing subject matters entirely, I went to the gym twice last week, prevented drinking soda four of those days. Not a complete success, but keeping track is more important right now I think.
The weekend was fun and full of cheat days. But that's how I see them and I fully intend to be more healthy this week.
I continue to write regularly. I finished a third short story in a series I call "A Deal is a Deal." The other thing I've been writing is a Harry Potter fanfic. Truly it's a lot of fun doing the research. I'mm writing it with purpose and for someone specific.
I feel better. I'm going to read the fun book I've been reading now, and may call it a night early.
Thank you for reading.

2018 Journal #3

I've been feeling rather good this past week or two. I almost didn't write this blog because of it. I figured, though, that one of the reasons I was feeling better was because of this blog. So here I am. I can also attribute my good feels to several friends who are keeping in touch, keeping me accountable.

Speaking of which, I went to the gym twice this week. I also helped a pair of friends move, which was a workout. Their couches were fucking heavy. 

Back to accountability, I am using a calendar markerboard I have in order to keep myself aware of my successes. If you can't see it properly, I am making an "X" every time I go the gym, and a SQUARE when I'm not drinking soda.

Saturday has been updated with an "X" as well. I definitely had soda at my friends house (they provided pizza and soda as payment for helping them move.)

The other thing I've been doing is getting back into the kitchen. I love cooking. It is a frustrating endeavor at my dads house (utensils are rather random here), but the reward is fantastic. Living with my dad and seeing him and his lady's surprise is always amusing as they look and go, "You're cooking again! What are you making?" 

I still did slip and go to Taco Bell on Friday, I didn't prep a lunch for work, so when lunch came around I went through the drive thru.

This next week my little brother Chase is staying with us. Kristi suggested He and I go to the gym when he's here. He thought it was a good idea too, so we're going to go to the gym throughout the week, and we are going to juice some fruit and cook some more food. I'm trying to be a good influence while I live here. He's fourteen and plays a lot of video games, but has so far enjoyed everything we've been doing when he's staying with our pop.

I'm going to go write some more, but on a story.
Yes, I've been doing quite a bit of that too. It's EXCITING.

I'll post some more of that later.
Toodles.

2018 Journal #2 - I had a clever title for this

This week I am not at work. Instead, my job has paid for me to go to a training program to learn the program SolidWorks. A 3d CAD program tool. The initial idea was to send me to learn about their Enterprise Product Data Management (EDPM), so I can assist our engineers when they lose connectivity to the thing. However, the person we e-mailed suggested I take the Essentials course first. My department agreed, so here I am, learning about a program I'll never use.

I'm not saying it isn't interesting, a lot of it is – but it just isn't essential to my job. The next course (which is all about EDPM) is some time in August.

The few things I have gathered while sitting at a desk is a few connections. People who know how to upgrade the software and the backend (Server, licenses, etc), and the need to write.

Boy, the need to write has bubbled up during this class. Several story ideas along with several “itches” for current stories are around. I've made a few notes on my phone throughout the class, but not many. I dare not open my laptop, cause there is a lot of material and I am taking the learning seriously.

I haven't been eating properly recently. My schedule had changed to an hour later due to the training. So I would sleep in, get up too late for breakfast, and race to training. Training provides lunch, and then I'd head home. Well, I haven't been grocery shopping lately, so the food available at the house is minimal. So I'd look in the fridge and pantry multiple times until it's too late to eat, then head to bed. Rinse, repeat for the past three days.

Truth be told I didn't think this was a big deal until I said it aloud to my friend and brother. They kinda shook their head and told me I should be eating.

Don't worry, I am going grocery shopping tonight with the intention of dirty-ing up the kitchen with juicer, blender, and pans.

I've decided to head to the gym every day after work (after training) until it becomes habit. Even if it means only saying hi to the receptionist.

Cause it is a habit I need to form.

--Shepsus

2018 Journal #1

So, without going into too much detail, 2018 has been an odd sort of hell on my mental health. My mind kind of splintered in the first three months and I was lost. I started drinking a bit too much, I stopped exercising, and I stopped (for the most part) writing. 
I felt as if I was two people: An "old" version of me who was jealous, selfish, manipulative, and materialistic... And the "current" version of me who I have been for several years: confident, caring, and kind. Those two Brandon's argued constantly in my brain. It was loud and distracting and I couldn't really pay attention to the world around me. I grew frustrated at small situations, didn't want to interact in public, and also hated being at home. My therapeutic hobbies became too much effort and I backed away from everything in order to try and shield my fractured brain.

Fortunately, I am fixing myself. I'm in control over my drinking habits, started at a new gym, and, thanks to Kristi, started writing again.

There is still a lot to work on, though. Still a lot of these little "Will Power" things that cause me stress. Though my boss doesn't care, it really bothers me that I am walking into work at 7:07 a.m. instead of clocking in at 7. It's only a 10 minute difference, but why am I consistently 5-10 minutes late? It's ridiculous. 
I am not heading to the gym as consistently as I need to. I can't blame it on sleep, or being hungry, or not having gym clothes... because those are all things under my control. I am just being lazy about it. I've been twice in two weeks, and that will not form a habit. And I need it to be a habit.
I need to edit my gaming videos. My friends and I have made a few fun videos in relating to Gaming. It took me a little more than two years to actually be brave enough to schedule them and get them in the chairs, it was SO much fun. They enjoyed it too, and as they left, Daniel asked, "So, same time next week?" Anyway, the issue is I now have about 200Gigs worth of video to put together and edit, and I haven't yet. Minecraft and DOOM and other video games have gotten in the way. If I could start the editing, I would enjoy it. But I need to fucking edit it for them to see the product.

I used to follow this philosophic idea "Do something today that will make tomorrow you proud." It helped me a lot, cause I could picture tomorrow me as a separate person, as a friend, and make them proud. "Sore muscles will make you happier tomorrow Brandon, Go to the gym today" type of thing. I dropped that philosophy even before the start of 2018, because I had someone else to rely on, someone else to make proud, now I don't.
I'm going to start trying to treat my "tomorrow me" as a friend again and treat him the way he needs to be treated. He needs healthier foods, needs exercise, and he needs writing for his mental health. Starting with these journals.

Thank you for reading.
Shepsus