Fears

So, before you read this. Be aware it is a rant. After watching some videos online I decided I needed to get more internal fears out onto the digital pavement that I have been given. I wrote it once and haven't edited it in the slightest. When I thought of a another fear, I added it, so it might seem a bit broken up, but that's OK with me.

As I'll say below, this isn't looking for sympathy or empathy or anything of the sort. This is for a more personal reason that I decided to release. I wanted it out of my system. An excerpt of my mind-diary.

Side Note: I felt this needed to be said, but this isn't about the Project. The Project and it's crew are going smoothly and we're working on storyboard and colors right now. This is about other endeavors I plan on taking, and I can't get over that stump of "starting".

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I'm afraid of the camera. I think people will judge me, they will cringe, they won't watch my videos. I have an online social anxiety of being identified by something other than a good person. My several video ideas are related to comics, I have thrown the idea around of vlogging just to get used to the camera, but I dunno. I am too hard on myself. I expect perfection. To be ignored means I wasn't good. And I'm afraid of that.

It isn't just the recording, it's editing. I am not good at it, I don't like doing things that require more practice. Despite my age of 24 I feel like I am almost too old to go back to school for anything. Everything is self-taught and therefore self-pushed and self-criticized and self-failure. Listening to my voice as I edit bothers me. Deciding that it could be better and then feeling like I need to redo it. I know logically that it wouldn't be something most would catch, but I catch it, so it now matters.

Asking people to help is something seem to be OK with, but I hate asking. I hate asking because I don't have anything to give in return. Whether it is to participate in videos, hold the camera, edit the footage, view the footage. I don't want to annoy those around me.

It's all about the prep work. The prep work is hard. I always tell friends that I could head to the gym every day, if I could just have my gym clothes on during the start of the day. If I could wake up and be there I could do it. But it's the getting ready, setting my music, driving there, knowing my routine, and then finally getting to where I want to be. And that's working out.

The same goes for video making. I built my studio, I have everything I need, it just isn't together. My laptop and cords and camera need to be moved into that one room and set up. I need to find a clean shirt, make up some dialogue, know my dialogue enough. "Don't say 'Uhhm' too much." And don't have too many takes, because if you can get your computer to the studio and set up the studio and record and move the computer back into the office, you'll need to edit. And editing is just prep work for posting. It's mind blowing how frustrating prep work is to me.

It's the first video that's the hardest. That's what I tell myself. I tell myself that because I am hoping after this struggle of finding out what I would find interesting in hoping others would find it interesting too it will become easier.

I think of when I am already popular. My mind doesn't have that milestone of "work hard to get there" it is "when you get there" and I think my brain tells me I am entitled. This would be nothing I would think myself, but I always think of "series 2" instead of focusing on Series 1. With this thought process Series 1 becomes prep work for what I should be doing. And, unfortunately, prep work is irritating.

I don't write this for sympathy or empathy or for people to tell me it'll be Okay or to make false promises in watching my videos that I plan to post. I just want to be able to have my fear recognized.

I am lazy and I hate being lazy. I hate being lazy but I am lazy because I hate chasing my dreams. If I catch my dreams and my dreams become reality and I realize my grass is, in fact, green, I will have to continue to take care of it. Letting it die and envy "the other side" where the grass is greener is just easier.

It is easier to wish on a star and have it not come true because that's what we are taught when we are children. To wish on a star and realize you are already a real boy and everything else is hard work.

It's easier to lose myself in Netflix or Hulu or Youtube. To not think for those few hours through the day before work where I can wish to go home "to be productive" or sleep where I can set my alarm to get up early, only to sleep in again and again. The moment I can get past the prep work though...

I am open minded, but I don't take advice well. I tend to think that I know better at what I want. I try to remain open to suggestion but it doesn't work well often. And I don't know why.

Thank you for listening.
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“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” 
― Frank Herbert, Dune