You won’t find nobody else like me.

This week has been a rather good one. It has had its ups and downs, as all do, but too many positives still out in my mind to call it a dull week. You know how people can make your day by just saying something that is so significant to you, but they don’t know it? That happened, multiple times. Before I reveal what was said to me, I want to give the “why” it was so significant to me.

I have never been a bad person in my humble opinion. But I haven’t always been a good one. During my relationship with Ace, I changed. I don’t blame her at all for the change, but my perspective on life and relationships shifted dramatically. I didn’t care about relationships after we broke up; I just wanted to get laid. I just didn’t want to stress, Ace’s and my relationship was filled with so much stress that I refused to have any more of it. I never lied, but I wasn’t honest. I hit on any cute girl there was, taken or no. I wasn’t secretive about it either. Friends and other girls alike knew that I was in an eff-buddy relationship with one or two married women. I didn’t see the harm of it, or I did and just didn’t care. I wasn’t the one cheating after all right? I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Least that’s how I saw it. They were an adult capable of making their own decisions. And it was an ego boost; having a married woman choose me over being faithful is definitely flattering. Even more flattering, is that since I was open about it, a few other women were curious about an affair too, because I could keep it secret and simple and was open to the idea (and hell, I was attractive.) I hit on my female friends, the ones I was interested in in the past but was too nervous to do anything about prior. And, again, it didn’t matter if they were taken or not. After all, I was the better one. I could do better. I hated that “friend zone” that I had gotten stuck in so many times.

((EDIT: This is to stress that if I considered the guy my friend, I did NOT hit on their significant other. I would never mess with my friends’ girlfriends. This was always the girl I knew, the guy I did not.))

Then something happened. I couldn’t tell you what exactly, but I realized my wrong-doing and chose to change. That’s a lie, I know what happened, and I will tell you exactly when I was forever changed to who I am now. It started with Kelli.

Now, Kelli is special to me, always will be. I never believed in “Love at first Sight” till I saw her. I met her on a plane flying from Arizona to Minnesota, my first flight ever commercially. By the end of the flight, I had her number. Fast forward some, she and I go on a date in Arizona, it was an amazing date, we constantly text, and we like each other. She was moving to Tucson, and we were going to miss one another, but, in her words, “I would be crazy not to at least give it a shot.” And we did. It lasted a few weeks, but the distance was too much and her stress and attention on school was needed. Before she moved, however, I experienced something extraordinary.

We had gotten back from dinner and walked upstairs and laid in bed, played with my dogs, kissed, normal new boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. We talked a lot about the challenges (at that time she hadn’t yet moved) and I comforted her in all her concerns. I looked deep into her eyes, and I saw everything. And I mean everything about her. I could answer any question she had before asking, I could comfort any fear before she expressed it. I saw all her worries, excitements, questions, knowledge, and secrets. I swear to you and all that is holy I saw into her soul that night. I just know it. And let me tell you people, it was pure and beautiful. It was so surreal. I could see how much she liked me, how much she adored the way I treated her. I could see her scars from relationships in the past, and I could see the worry about us behind the excitement.

After that night, after that moment, I was changed. Back to my old self. Back to a better, decent human being. Back to understanding caring about my actions since there are consequences beyond them, even if it isn’t my own consequence. All with one look. What’s strange is that a couple years before that, I wrote a quote I came up with on my step-brother Matt’s wedding photo frame: “The world is full of imperfect thoughts, imperfect relationships, and imperfect people. It is the moment when you are staring into the eyes of the one you care about that those imperfections are why you love them so.” There are no truer words that speak to me more significantly than that quote.

I’m back to who I am and happy to be so. I still don’t have any stress, thankfully, because I take comfort in choosing the right decision, even if it isn’t the popular one. I don’t stress about other people’s choices either; I was right in thinking they are an adult and can choose what they want to do, but I am as well, and I needed to care about that.

As for my female friends, I’ve got quite a few. But that’s what they are. Friends. Would I deny wanting to date some of them? Never. Do I still like a couple of them? You bet’cha. But this friend zone is where it’s all about for me. I enjoy texting my friends, calling them beautiful, and having them appreciate it and (hopefully) believing it.

Now all of this, who I was and who I am, leads to three very significant compliments, all within a matter of hours, no more than a day.
I got on Facebook and started talking to my friend Kayla. Quick rundown between Kayla and me, we have been friends for a while, but haven’t hung out in 1-2 years (she lives in Flag.) Now for reasons you don’t get to know, she was having a bad day. A very bad day. I listened to her problems, talked to her about them, all the while catching up on my notifications. Brenda tagged me in one of those “tag your friend in a category”. I expected to be a techie of some kind, I always am. But she tagged me as, “The one who never fails to make your day.” The one who NEVER fails to make your day. I love that. Made my night. I continued talking to Kayla, and toward the end of our conversation, she goes, “I really really appreciate you and all that you do for me. I hope you know that.” Two compliments in one night for just being me.

Then, if that didn’t top it off, that same night I’m talking to my friend Tiffany who now lives overseas, she was telling me about a gentleman she met, who is her good friend but she kinda has a crush on him. I tell her to go for it and give reasons why (sorry peeps, you don’t get details of the convo) and she ended up taking my advice with a nice little note the next day for me, “Thank you Brandon, I took your advice, and we will have to wait and see. It is really sweet that you care so much.”

So who I am, what I do, and what I say matters to my friends around me. Those compliments are far more flattering than any married woman wanting to have sex. I don’t think I could ever go back to who I was. It was nice and fun, sure. But nothing could replace how I feel now. I’m literally loved around the world.

If you love someone and appreciate who they are, make sure you let them know. They will enjoy the compliment and it might just save them from themselves. You never know.

~Just a thought.
“The world is full of imperfect thoughts, imperfect relationships, and imperfect people. It is the moment when you are staring into the eyes of the one you care about that those imperfections are why you love them so.” – Brandon Hoffman

The names Hoffman... Brandon Hoffman.

So I am unofficially moved from Amy's house in Gilbert to another Jessica's home in Mesa. I say unofficially, because there is roughly one more set of stuff that I need to gather and move. Further more, my dog Linux broke my bedroom window panes during the move of the big stuff, so I need to fork out the money on them again. And over the course of the months of my Yorki Joey being locked in my bedroom he tore up the carpet pretty good by the door, which I need to pay for as well. So, unofficially, cause I am definitely still paying for that room.

Kelli ended up canceling the Karaoke night, her ride was leaving one day earlier than she had thought. I had taken the night off, so I still stayed till closing. It was really interesting watching everyone leave before me, rather than me leaving first. It was nice seeing how many people walked up to shake my hand goodbye. I've made plenty of friends there, including several of the staff members.

I don't show it, because I loathe moving, but nothing excites me more than to be moving to this house. Don't get me wrong, I had no real complaints about living at Amy and Ray's, but this move allows me a new starting point with my diet. Unlike at A&R's, I have my own shelf in the cupboard, my own shelf in the fridge and on the door of said fridge. It's a nice roomy kitchen, and I plan to purchase a nice blender for myself for some more smoothies. Only healthy food for me at my house. I am really going to try and bring more food lunches/dinners from home to work. Fast food will no longer cut it. (More details at projectme-shepsus.blogspot.com) It's gonna be tough, but I want to do it. it's the lifestyle I *want*.

Also, there is a park RIGHT ACROSS the street from the new location. With the weather cooling down some, Linux, Joey, and I are gonna start having room to run again. Back at the house Linux, Joey, and I ran around for about an hour every morning because the park was so close. It gave them time to stretch their legs and keep their calm for the day. Eventually it came to be that Linux would not leave the garage door without a walk, which really inspired me to continue walking him. His joy always brings me joy. I have been told there is a dog park nearby as well, if I ever felt the need to not use the regular park.

Will's birthday is coming up on Nov 4th. It's difficult for me to understand, because his death still seems recent. I remember thinking on how everyone was going to react when it came to his birthday after he died. Will's parents and grandparents decided it was a good idea to celebrate his life with all of his friends for his birthday. With the help of Isaac, the lot of us have been contacted and invited via Facebook. It could be a very good time, I just hope we celebrate his life, instead of mourn for his death. I feel like there is a good chance I will make a joke and people will be offended because they will be in morning whereas I will be celebrating.

Speaking of friends, I have done well in the lowering of the pedestals for some of my friends. Some of the stuff I read on Facebook still bother me at times, but I'm not trying so hard or getting too fed up about it. Less stress. Becka and I haven't been able to hang out, but we still text every day. Brenda and I went to Fear Farm with some friends of her's and it was an absolute blast. I'd do it again in a heart beat. We didn't get to hit everything, so if you are going and wouldn't mind another member, hit me up!

Didi and I have continued to talk and hang out. She helped a LOT the past couple of days. She let me borrow her car while mine was out of commission. And she didn't mind using her car and filling it full of my goodies to take over to J&J's house. She actually texted me tonight thanking me for breakfast's and lunch's I have paid for as well as keeping her company. Very sweet. She doesn't realize how much she's helped me out the past couple of days.

My friend Tiffany is now in South Korea and is enjoying herself. Her and I have been able to talk via Facebook once since her move. I need to get Skype set up so we can video chitchat and so she can show me her place. I think I am going to miss her more than I thought I would.

....Back to the move. I think that with this healthy diet/lifestyle change that I am going to put myself through, I need to make it less of just a diet change, and lean more toward the lifestyle change. Having a true starting point is inspiring me to take control over the time I have in my life. For example, I have time at work to study and read and listen to educational-type of things instead of Netflix-ing it up all the time. I think I am truly motivated for that now. At home, I have a Rosetta Stone Spanish 1,2, and 3, which I want to learn, and have yet to play around with. I think I am ready for that too. The less noise around, nice big room, I feel I can do it. Granted, they are .iso's that need to be mounted, and so far Rosetta Stone isn't reading them properly, but I have only tried it once.

I am happy to report more people are still continuing to read my blog to keep up with my life, which I thoroughly enjoy hearing. So now I get to ask you all who have known me quite a while (and even if you've only really spoken to me via Facebook,) who else has effected my life to make me who I am today? Is there anyone you think that I have missed possibly? Please don't be shy, and don't be afraid to be selfish. I have many close friends and if I have forgotten you, please tell me.

~Just a thought.

Beyond the boundaries of your city's lights,
Stand the heroes waiting for your cries.
So many times you did not bring this on yourself,
When that moment finally comes,
I'll be there to help. - Citizen/Soldier by 3 doors down

Dingle Drill

So this week has been quite the interesting one. To start out, I found out that Kelli and her friend Carin are coming up this weekend to visit and show Carin the Scottsdale area. I am so excited!  It has been too long since I’ve seen Kelli, and the last time the three of us hung out it was a grand time. I decided that we are going to go karaoke-ing at Tilted Kilt Sunday night and hang out with my friends there.

Then, my ex and long-time friend Didi and I got reacquainted through Facebook a couple of days ago and hung out this past week (Thursday I think) for the first time in four years. It was a blast hanging out, FAR LESS awkward than I thought it was gonna be. I mean, what exactly do you say to an ex you haven’t seen after four years? I had a smoothie and we walked around Tempe Marketplace just catching up and talking about ourselves and our families. She’s had quite the adventure. I found it incredibly strange on how different she is, and yet so close to the same thing. She said the same about me.

Speaking of change, that weekend, she invited me how to Mill with her and her sister. It’s really interesting to me to hang out with people in these situations that you knew when you were younger. I’m pretty sure they didn’t know I drank, because I was gung ho against it when we last hung out 4 years ago. Anyhoo, the three of us hit the street and had a great time. I’m not giving detail for their sakes (I was the sober one), but I will say I was named “body guard” by drunk Ashley by the end of the night.

So this PAST Sunday, I decide to meet up with Didi at Tilted Kilt for Karaoke. Mike and I were SO close to getting her to sing. She promised that if she comes out this next Sunday she will. Tilted Kilt is a great place for Karaoke, by the way, and any and all are invited. LOTS of regulars, I go there all the time! J Tilted Kilt played this game called Genre Blitz or something of that nature, and I got stuck with TV show tunes. So I ended up singing Fresh Prince of Bell Air.. Did you know that is an actual song? Like, not just the beginning of a TV show? I had NO idea! So lyrics came up that I didn’t know and I ended up pretending, but eventually said, “Yeah I had no idea what these lyrics are, we’re just gonna wait.” The crowd laughed.

I had far more serious post I was going to write last night, but I have decided against it, as I don’t think I have found the right words to make it an OK post quite yet.  But find me the right words, and the I won't refrain from said post :).

Till Later Days.

~Just a thought.

"I cannot promise throwing a penny into a fountain, waiting on a shooting star, or sending a chain letter will make your wishes come true. However, I will say it can't hurt." - Brandon Hoffman

Will

First and foremost,

Thank you to those who have bugged me about the whole blog situation. It was very nice to hear that people have read and enjoyed major parts of my life. It helps me get me over this hurdle, issue – thing. 

I’m not terribly emotional on the outside. But I think I avoided doing Will’s post (he does deserve one) because he is one of my best friends that has died. I feel it needs to be perfect, so I’ve put it off. I’ve debated to myself as to how to approach it, treat this post special or not.

I want to honor him in the best way possible, and I think the way to do that is to not give him a special post, and don’t give him special treatment, because he wouldn’t want it. This is not about his life, but about mine, and his influence on me. 

Keep your friends close, and your loved ones on your arm.

Will

Will and I met in 8^th grade. We met in band, he played trumpet, I played bassoon.  He had a bowl cut haircut and I was buzzed. It’s an insignificant detail, but one amusing to me all the same. Anyway, him and I weren’t close friends, but always joked back and forth, and for some reason I knew him and I would be good friends if we tried. But band was where we kept it and the occasional board game at Andersen Jr High.

It wasn’t until 9^th grade where he joined our group of friends. At that time, Daniel and I started hanging out again often, and it was about the first or second actual day of school where I introduced the soon-to-be twins united. We hung out on the bus every day and a couple hours after school at the bus stop. That was because our bus stop was at a four –way stop. His house was to the left, Daniels to the right, and mine straight. So we hung out there till one of us had to go home, sometimes as late as 5-6pm, and then all of us would go our separate ways.

I can only remember one time ever being truly mad at him. Long story short, he was the first out of our trio to lose his virginity and didn’t tell us. Now, this wasn’t a common subject that we talked about regularly, BUT we had higher morals than those in the movies going “we MUST lose it!” I was still very naive (we all were) and thought we’d all wait for.. Well I dunno, something worthwhile. But he had lost it to his girlfriend and didn’t tell Daniel and me. That night I was livid. Totally upset as to how I found out, the fact that he had lost it, and the fact he hadn’t said anything. But it took a day and a half and I was over it.

 Like I was to Daniel helping him when he walked out on his house, he definitely helped me.  There was a night where Didi (girlfriend at the time) and I had talked dirty on the phone to each other, and her mom had picked up and overheard. What’s funny is that I heard the *click* of someone picking up, but I was too horny to pay attention to it. So she overheard and the next day told my dad while I was at school. Didi was told she was not allowed to go to the dance (Homecoming or Prom, I don’t remember) and she was grounded for all eternity.  I got home from somewhere kind of late, ready to talk things out man-to-man with my dad, ready to hash it out like we’d done in the past. But he wasn’t home. No one was, they were out to dinner. I felt embarrassed at that point thinking they were out talking about what happened.  So I wrote a mean note and started walking. And walking, and walking.  I made it to downtown Chandler before stopping. It’s not terribly far from my house, but I went up and down familiar neighborhoods near our school. So there I stopped and sat before my phone rang. It was my dad. I didn’t pick up. A few minutes later, another phone call - It was Will.

“Hey.”

“Heyya. How are ya?”
“I could be better, and yourself?”

“Good, where are ya?”

“Dad ask you to call me?”

He shuffled a bit (walked to his room and closed his door), “Yeah, he came over looking for you and told us what happened.”

“Well, I can tell you, but I don’t want you to tell them.”
“Sure thing.”

I ended up telling him and we hung up. It was always a scary thought for the two of us to go against our parents, because they trusted us to the fullest extent. He didn’t lie to my dad about where I was, but he did say he couldn’t tell him and he’d be picking me up. When he got there we sat and talked for a long time. Him about his situations, mine about mine. We sat there for close to an hour looking at downtown Chandler and just talking. He drove me home and I faced the music.

One thing Will and I did was skip school. Now, we did it a LOT (hated our 4^th hours, lunch right after), and never really got caught. We had a route that we knew security didn’t monitor, and we could walk home every time scot-free.  Him and I never called ourselves out; we just left it up to the fates. Normally, it worked in our favor. For me, this particular time, it did not.

We skipped the whole day, walked to my house and hung out. We talked during the walk about one of us, not both of us, getting caught, and how we wouldn’t rat each other out nor would we rat ourselves out. We felt we can’t be properly punished if there was no phone call from the school. Anyway, the school had called my dad, he had gotten home from work around 4pm to the Daniel, Will, and I in the backroom playing games. He calls me out on skipping Math, I submitted and told him. He asked where I was, and I said at home...... Now, if you weren’t paying attention like I didn’t that day, he said Math.. Not school. I did not catch this, so he replied, “It’s a bit of a walk home just to skip Math Brandon.” I felt stupid. I admitted that I skipped the whole day. He turned to Daniel and asked if he had skipped. He hadn’t and said he hadn’t. He turned to Will and asked, he said he did. My dad called his dad and we both had to go straight home from school for the next two weeks and were grounded. I had to ask Will what was he thinking when he told my dad about what we’d done. His response: “I figured that your dad wouldn’t have thought you skipped alone. He would have thought you were lying if one of us wasn’t with you. So my choice was for your dad to not trust where you were, or to have me skip school. Might as well be honest.”

Another thing he his completely and 100% responsible for indirectly, was get me in shape. Him and I, at the beginning of our junior year, signed up for a semester of PE (prerequisite), then a semester of Weight lifting. I suffered through PE, hated every day of it, and then the day came for weightlifting. I was excited, because Will was in the class with me; after all we made SURE to be in the same fourth hour… But he wasn’t there. Almost hit him at lunch (I was REALLY out of shape and the class kicked my ass), he said that he liked having PE and Isaac was in his class so he switched it and forgot to tell me. I remained in that class for the semester and my life choices were forever changed.

This last thing is huge, for those who know me. Will got me into computers. He introduced me to them when he first started building his rig, encouraged me to join the computer classes he was in (thus meeting Ken Magnum), and assisted in building my first rig. We each set up our own servers and constantly tweaked them. He was far more experimental with his than mine. But I awed and ooed every step of the way. He definitely taught me the basics. And the rest is history. Everything with Ken, my college, career, all began when he first took his computer apart and showed me.

Will was one of the most genuine person’s you would’ve ever met. He always kept quiet and always ready to go along for the ride. He always had my back through struggles, and always encouraged the best out of me. Will invited me to church often, but never pressed when I declined. he definitely changed my life for the better. Every influence he had in my life was a positive one. My first and probably only tattoo I’ll ever get is for Will. “Forever in our hearts, not far from our thoughts.”

Keep your friends close, and the one’s you love on your arm.

~Just a thought.

“Please know he was a good man when he was around you, and he was a good man when he wasn’t.” - The last thing I said to Will’s father Jeff at the hospital after he got done making funeral arrangements for Will.