People watching at Starbucks

 

She is a college woman watching her laptop intently outside. She has on big white bluetooth headphones and a sweater with a Sundevil on the front. Her emotions continue to change while watching her laptop. She has big round glasses on, so I can't see her eyes properly, but they are definitely intent on the screen. Her laptop has been around for some time. It is filled with stickers with little to no organization. Their sole purpose was to cover the top of the laptop and make it hers. It has so many, in fact, I don't know what type of laptop she actually has. It has the most personality of all the laptops here. She's pulled an additional table next to her, and she has two notebooks sprawled out with a pen atop of them. She seems like someone I could be friends with... But bothering someone watching a video with big white bluetooth headphones would be rude, wouldn't it? I'm going to call her Jenny.

To the right of Jenny, also sitting outside, is a couple. Or a couple of friends... OR an interviewer of some kind. The woman is wearing a red blazer and dark sunglasses, despite being under a covered seating. They don't have laptops, but lady in red does have a pen and a notebook with her cell close by. The gentleman across from her is wearing a blue polo and khaki pants. Upon first observation, I thought they were the same age as Jenny, but they might be considerably older. To be honest, its difficult to tell. They aren't a romantic couple, I don't think, cause there is very little flirtatious-ness. Blue polo guy turned his head, he has quite some 5 o'clock shadow. His drink is almost empty, and hers is pretty close to full. I'm not sure what to make of them, but I want to learn more.

To the left of Jenny, and inside the Starbucks, two women just sat down. First impressions is that they are best friends. They are both wearing comfortable gym clothes, they have the same color bags, and even both share the same type of laptop - Acer. They are late 20s probably, and there is very little discussion between the two of them (in person anyway), so my guess is they are just hanging out. Killing time after and/or before the gym.

Behind the Acer twins sits a man who's been here the longest, and probably the most interesting of the bunch. He's an older man, with a long gray beard and full head of graying hair. It's mostly gray, with some brown mixed in. He has glasses. His dress is casual and a bit disheveled, but not dirty. Looks like he's just wearing clothes that weren't folded immediately after a drier run. A peach colored T-shirt and some worn jeans. He has an HP laptop, a model or two newer than mine, and its small enough to where I think it is a touch screen. In fact, I'd put money on it. But he doesn't use it as a touch screen. He is using his wireless mouse and moving quite a bit. My first thought is that he seems to be looking for a job, but that's just me projecting my thoughts onto a disheveled man with a beard. He could just as easily be looking at Facebook.

On the far left of the older man, is a woman younger than me, who looks a bit stressed in a creative way. This lady wears a black sundress, someone looking to be comfortable and look good. Her hair a bit of a mess, she has one big hoop earring in one ear and... hair is covering the other, but I don't think anything is there. No headphones, and she's typing quite a bit, and my first instinct is that she's writing something creatively like myself, but who knows, she might just be doing homework. She's been here longer than me though. So whatever she's doing, she's dedicated, or wanting to get it done before she leaves the ol' SB. The last thing interesting about her, is that she has a hot coffee drink. It's different compared to everyone else here. Everyone else, and I do mean everyone, has a cold beverage.

A little further into the establishment, is a pair of four older businessmen. Brown to graying hair, dress shirts, two have blazers. All laptops open and are having a discussion. It feels like a meeting... And not like, a “startup hipster” meeting. Like they all have a position in a company, and this is how they are starting their day. That's weird to me. A business meeting in the middle of a Starbucks? I guess nothing they are discussing or on their screens is confidential... Not that anyone would care. Still weird. The least dressed between the three gives me a Bill Gates vibe. He still has on a dress shirt and khakis, but his shirt is colorful, he's older and hunched. And his hair is just a bit messier than the others, who are all very proper.

Sundress girl is wearing two earrings.

Along the far wall are two guys sitting at different tall tables. Both have placed their backpacks in front of them, thus choosing their backpacks as their companion for today. Both dressed in V-necks, both with laptops in front of them and both on their phones. That's amusing. They both look a little stressed, and both seem to have empty coffee cups. I'm guessing students, but its just another assumption.

Businessmen just concluded their meeting. Also one of them wore some sharp blue dress pants. I want a pair.

Jenny has a second laptop out now, and is using both pretty skillfully.

Sundress girl has just left.

There is a girl who continues to pass by me, either buying more drinks or getting food from Starbucks (or used the restroom, I wasn't paying attention to her) but she is dressed very... I'm not sure if this is a phrase (but totally should be), Instagram-y? Designer yoga pants, mid-drift sweater, and an Adidas beanie. I'll be honest, I was pretty annoyed with her at the beginning. Wearing winter clothes not designed for winter, a bit too good looking, or pretending to be too good looking, just oozes "I'm better than you." Not only that, but while I'm people watching, and she just gets in my way. She is sitting out of my perception, so I wasn't going to bother with paying her any mind... But... I looked behind me, and she's facing the window, looking out. She's on question 3 of a math quiz. And its math I certainly couldn't do. It's some long crazy formula. Physics maybe? She has a notebook paper and seems to be working through it. She's now on question 4. I'm ashamed for judging a book by its cover again. She's dressed better than me and is doing more difficult math than me and I'm the one judging her? Pft, I'm wearing pants when I go out next... Or at least brushing my hair.

One of the guys who chose a backpack as his companion refilled his coffee. Only it wasn't iced coffee, it was tea. Reddish in color.

The last guy is sitting parallel to me and reminds me most of myself. He has corded headphones, a large, wide laptop (like mine) and is typing away. His laptop is also fairly thick. I can only see it from the side, but it looks a few generations older than my machine. He smiles occasionally, small laughs come through. He's either writing a comedy story (like I do) or is talking to someone. My guess is the latter. He's dressed very casually in faded clothing. Faded black ball cap of a baseball team, faded blue-gray shirt and some faded jeans. His JanSport backpack is also black and faded. It's actually a bit weird (to me) that he doesn't have a laptop backpack, just a backpack. His sweet coffee drink is about two-thirds gone, the whip cream still melting into his drink. His demeanor makes me feel he is approachable. The most open to have a conversation. Despite the ear plugs and the laptop, he just seems happy. I like that in a person.

Old man left Starbucks and left all his stuff... He went into Potbelly sandwich shop. That's a good sandwich shop... He just came back with a cup of water.

Instagram-y girl just left. I certainly hope she did well on her quiz, or lesson. I would have been lost.

Then there is me. My backpack sits on the table next to me, as I have a wider table than most here. My closed books rests next to my laptop and cell phone is open. I'm dressed in green basketball shorts and a white T-shirt. My hair could use a good brushing and I have fuzz on my face (I am unshaven). I'm typing a lot, biting the side of my lip trying to give myself the same amount of observation as everyone else. My iced coffee cup is also empty, with melted ice down at the bottom.

Without speaking to any of them, I feel like I could be any of their friends now. Just observing a bit more, not trying to judge, just watch and enjoy their little mannerisms. Most have left now, with only Jenny and Old man left. I feel like my shift as a customer has also come to a close. Give this table up for the next customer who needs to use it.

Thank you for reading,

Shep

You're fat, Brandon

 I tell myself and others that I try really hard to be healthy. And it's true, in a sense. I can cook healthily, I enjoy working out. I like watching fitness videos and world strongest man videos. I have a tab saved on my phone with Henry Cavill's diet when bulking up to be Superman. I tell people I try really hard to be healthy, but right now, I realize I am more of a fan of it, than actually trying. Like many things, I look at it, I want to do it, and then I fantasize about it. 

The other night, after some snacking, I weighed myself. Monica and I have been eating more and more at home. I don't drink a lot of soda anymore at all. Very occasional beers and alcohol. My snacks recently have been chocolate covered almonds, regular almonds, jerky, and chips. I really thought that I found a middle ground for dieting. I was wrong.

I weighed 292.5lbs. The heaviest I've ever been. I knew when I looked in the mirror I looked heavier... But I sorta convinced myself it was just because I hadn't been going to my garage gym. I was losing muscle mass, but not gaining fat. 

I weighed myself the next morning, and its in the 280's. I think 288. I plan to weigh myself tomorrow to confirm (gotta get that average.)

The problem with this particular scenario is that I know when I see something like this - when reality hits me like a brick and destroys my mental image of myself, my first instinct is to change everything about my diet, start super hard at the gym and basically beat myself up. The way I do it is I throw a lot at me and just see what sticks. It's not the smartest approach, but slow isn't what I'm going for.

I am doing it again. I looked in the fridge, planning some ridiculous meals, trying to figure out every ounce of minute that can be served at the gym... but this time around I am trying really hard to make sure I keep the reality version of me in my head. I am not Henry Cavill or Eddie Hall. I am not buff or in shape. I want to be. Keeping the phrase "You're fat, Brandon" in my head is negative, but it isn't detrimental. It's realistic. I don't want to be fat. I want to be in shape. 

I took this news pretty hard the other night. I dusted off all the calorie counting apps and started planning right away and was in a pretty bad mood. I was disappointed in myself for not making more of an effort. Monica saw this and comforted me. She loves me, and she loves me no matter how I look. But I had to admit I don't love myself with how I look. I've fantasized that I look buff because my height and because I can tuck in a shirt and can still put on socks without effort. Unless I change something now, though, I'll start with those struggles eventually. 

The reason I am writing this isn't for encouragement or awareness or anything of that sort. I just know that my blog is a decent venting platform, and I wanted to go for it again. 

Other than this reality strike, my life has been fucking great. I just need to get this puzzle piece back into action. 

People watching at Wildflower

     I sat at one side of the bakery, looking over the guests. I am waiting for my food and waiting for my coffee to cool.
     Just a table away from me sits a woman in a light blue blouse and blue striped pants. She wears it well and is quite pretty. Her water glass filled with lemons is almost empty. She is casually playing on her phone, but has taken up the entire two person table with her things. She is eating alone. Her food is delivered and it looks amazing. Thick buttered bread, eggs, and a little jar of marmalade. I ask her what she's having, she replies with a smile, "Uhm, I'm not sure, Eggs breakfast, I think it's called?" She asks the waiter walking between our tables for clarification. It is Egg breakfast. We make small conversation before I thank her for the information, and the conversation dies away. She starts to eat her food and goes back to her phone.
     While I get myself situated at my own four person table, I search for a power outlet to make sure my laptop stays charged, an older gentleman approaches me. I can tell he is a blue collar worker, with a rough, sun dried face, a wrinkled blue t-shirt and a jeans, "There is only one power outlet in here." He says. "It's by my table, next to that pillar." I nod and say thank you, resigned to my time limit. He continues, "I'm leaving. So you can have my table." He turns away and starts to pack his things. I quickly pack my own and go for the move. Again, I may small talk with the stranger about how other Wildflowers have more than one power outlet, he leaves and I sit next to the pillar, now plugged into the power, no longer with a time limit restriction.
     Sitting next to me are a pair of women. They are friends, possibly colleagues, already done eating and just making small talk. They are talking about people, venting about a few, which is why I think they may work together, or go to school together. There appears to be a bit of an age difference, but that could just be me being mean and judging. Still, they are enjoying each others company, and I like that.
     On the other side of the room from me sits six women, all very similar age. They aren't sports related, I don't think, just because their body styles are all different. Laughs are being passed, they all seem to not be in a rush. I can see two hand bags, one that has a binder in it... School mates, looks like seniors in high school,  maybe college? No insignia's to tell me. I've never bothered meeting my classmates for a project outside of school before. Well, once, for college, but all we did was tick off the restaurant we took over.
     There are two servers who have caught my attention. The woman has "Baked" on her shirt, while the man has "Delicious" on his. Delicious just took woman in blue's plate. She continues to look at people. Now, she is in the busy zone, but it makes me sad. I want to talk to her, make sure she is okay... but again, that could very well be me projecting feelings. She's dressed well and looks nice. After her plate was taken, she has picked up her stuff, looked around the room and saw me. She gave me one more genuine smile and I gave one back. As she turned to leave she stopped. Her jaw dropped and she smiled. The pillar blocked my view of who she saw, so of course I peaked. It was a gentleman sitting at a table with a friend. They are making small talk and she seems to be genuinely happy. Good.
     Back to Baked and Delicious. They are dressed well. shirts are tucked in. Form fitting shirt. Delicious is a good looking dude, the kind of good looking that you'd think was too good looking. The one who all the women crush on and ends of being gay, that kind of good looking dude. Baked is cute too, same form fitting shirt, tucked in, hair in a braid except for that long bang in which she could pull behind her ear as cute girls tend to do. The last server is another dude, and I don't like him much. I mean, I'm sure he's Okay, but he clearly has no desire to be here. Back to my fictional two servers - Baked and Delicious. I think Baked has a crush on Delicious. As I entered the restaurant earlier, she said "You're 20?" as if shocked. I don't know if she was hoping he was older or younger... but she seemed to need the clarification. She looks to be between 17-20 - So it could go either way. Anyway, Delicious takes this job seriously, wiping down things well, he took all the plates so far that I've seen, he took my plate.
     The pair of women have left.
     The table is hosting a baby and a mother.  I didn't notice them leave, but Delicious wiped down the baby chair.
     Unlike Starbucks, this place rotated quick, I can't keep up well. Lunch is now in session and this place has filled up. Every table is taken. I've taken two and now I sorta feel bad about it.
     Unkempt server just talked to a kid and worked out where the food went (mother and brother went elsewhere at the time) and it was sweet. So maybe he isn't bad after all, just unkempt.
     I like people. I am a fan of them. I truly think our fears about strangers is significantly exaggerated. It is necessary when you are a kid, but it shouldn't be when you are an adult. Halloween candy has never hurt anyone, and that's when strangers meet strangers kids the most. Yes, be cautious, but cautious doesn't mean avoid.
I am going to go fill up my cup of coffee and start up my editing.
Thank you for reading.

Journal #5 of 2019 - How my Brain Works

I leave the office building where I work, and turn down Institute Avenue to walk to the barbecue joint at the end of the street. I pass by Panda Express, and two different sub shops.

As I wait for my turn to cross the street, I look above and I see him. He stands atop of the sky scraper, but his black supersuit absorbs all light. He jumps and leaps toward me. My Fitbit on one hand and smart watch on the other. I bring them together in and my suit grows around me, my face quickly concealed before anyone notice. "The [Hero]" someone shouts as I leap into the air. I fly towards [villain] and we crash into each other. He gets the better of me and starts to shove me toward the earth...

And I cross the street.

I cross the street and continue down the sidewalk, Doze's breakfast is on my right. Pancakes actually sound pretty good! As I turn too enter into Doze's, it explodes into fire and glass, sending me across Institute Avenue, crashing me into the public bus. My trench coat crackles like fireworks as it took the brunt of the force. I wrap my trench coat around me and run into the blaze, looking to rescue anyone I see. The smoke is thick and the heat is real and I am able to grab students and point them to the exit when I see him. He drops a dead body and faces toward me. His face is concealed in a ski mask and his coat billows. With my years as a wizard I direct the fire and aim it at him. He's able to move my fire tornado away from him and force it into the sky, bringing all the fire out of the building in one deep boom. I ready another spell ready to level the building with him in it after everything he's done. He. Will. Pay.

I decide against breakfast food.

The sandwich shop is bustling and decide against it too, and at the end of the block is Cocky's barbecue. Something I've enjoyed numerous times. My belly grumbles and it seems to agree, that's where we'll get our grub.

I increase the speed of stride, hungry for the pulled pork that was destined for me. A group of guys exits the barbecue and immediately stop me, pushing me slightly. College kids. I'm tall for who I am, and in somewhat in shape. The leader of the group mocks my outfit. It isn't form fitting and my hair isn't brushed, as I was in a rush this morning. I try to walk past, but am pushed again. They mock me. My quick wit immediately shoots back, but I went too far, and they grow angry. They spew some racist comments and shove me, hard. I don't fall, but do take several steps back. The leader raises his fists and goes for a right punch. I lean back, grab his wrist, my left arm lifts above his right and I slide my elbow down his arm and into his nose, the crunch is audible and he falls back. He scoots towards his friends and points towards me. It's on.
Using my martial arts skills, I blocked the first swing, second swing, and blocked a kick. I jumped back, roundhouse kick into all three of their faces. Jumped into the guy in the middle, clothesline-ing both guys on either side of me. All four of us go down, me landing in my super hero pose.

I turned into Cocky's and got my lunch.

It was tasty.

Journal #4 of 2019 - The Coffee is Bitter, the Doughnut is Sweet.

I get a coffee and a breakfast sandwich from a shop nearby work, and as I walk out, I can't help but love the morning. The street is empty and some shops are still closed. The bus is dropping people off for work and other adventures. It's not yet full of people who need to go somewhere. The world is still prepping for the day, and this coffee shop is there to make it a good one.

Finally saw Endgame. I enjoyed it. I've had more than one friend (and more than one group of friends) await my thoughts on the matter because I poke holes a lot. Makes me laugh and feel kinda bad at the same time. But eh, I'll need to see it a second time to find flaws. One thing has been pointed out to me that I agree with, but I won't mention it here.

Game of Thrones is garbage though. I'll rant about that all day if ya want me to. I won't here, though, not on this platform. Makes me really want to read the books though.

Speaking of reading, MAN I need to pick it up. I don't know if it is just this job, or I'm getting older and require more sleep, or am no longer properly prioritizing (cause I was out of a job for a month) but I don't see myself with a lot of time. I run out of time nearly every day. Grocery shopping, cricket shopping, writing, writing groups, TV, movies, games, reading, cooking, cleaning, and other chores like LAUNDRY, Guh I hate doing laundry... I gotta find a balance, some type of routine. When I get into cooking I cook a lot, and then I'm so worn out. I need to buy a microwave. That would save me some cooking time. Back to reading - I need to read more. I am growing a bit of a backlog, and I dislike it. I have one I'm trying to finish, and another I have been requested to read for a readers group I am joining (gotta read the book to join.)

Next time I have a morning free, I am going to go do some serious writing. I want to rewrite all of The Crate Sword and edit it whilst I write. It sounds like it will be a therapeutic experience. And I'm hoping it will spark more ideas to continue book 2. I have had quite a bit of writers block in book 2. I know where I want it to end up, I just don't know how to write it properly.

Beyond all these first world-y problems, life has been easy. I hardly drink anymore. Work is good. Apartment is good. Social media is good. Real life is good. Family and Friends seem to be doing alright.

All in all, its been a good few months, let's keep this going.

Brandon "Shep" Hoffman

Ha! Boom Baby!

My blogsite has a BRAND new look!

Well, sorta, I mean... it’s a blog, how much different could it get?

Anyway, a couple things - you can access it from my website (Shepsus.com/blog) and the blogspot address has been changed to shepsus.blogspot.com, not the long justathought-shepsus.blogspot.com so if you have me bookmarked, you should update it.

The next phase in my plan is to redo my current website as well. It has been said that the pictures on the "About Me" page are older photos of me and don't currently reflect how I look. Since I have a friend who does professional photography DC Creations, I might hire her to do a photo shoot soon.

This past Saturday I went to a writer’s workshop, I took a lot of notes and left knowing a lot more than I did walking in in about the publishing industry. It is something I am really into. The class was about eight people, and the instructor Yishun, who is a professional author, works at a Literary Magazine and teaches at the University of New Hampshire. The homework prior to taking the test was writing a 300-word synopsis/pitch for your story. It was a bit nerve wracking to read aloud what you feel your novel is, and describe your world and characters. I was the only one who did humor, and the instructor definitely gave me pointers on how to convey that to future agents or Presses.

The other thing the class gave me was writing acquaintances. I got to talk to six of the eight other people in there, and went to lunch with two of them. It was a lot of fun. And similar to my experience to karaoke, it was people in just different walks of life who could sit and eat lunch, age, generation, or thoughts on life didn’t matter. Tony is a father of five who hails from Australia, Jenn is a married woman from Flagstaff. It was nice to just talk about ideas and brainstorm with people who think about stories the way you do. Crazy ideas on super hypothetical “What Ifs.” We are just nerds who found other nerds to nerd about something. I like having these people in my life.

My new job is a lot of fun. I have co-workers I get along with and a good set of skills that help here. I am enjoying it. There are other perks too, like some free food, meeting important people, and a rather relaxed environment.

I want to leave work now, so I am cutting this off here… Sorry for the abrupt ending, but yeah, I want to leave.

WAIT – I got a lot of positive response from the Starbucks observation writing, so I am going to try and do that in the near future. So stick around!!!!!

Shep

Journal #1 of 2019 - Restarting

Where do I begin? I'm three months late into my 2019 journals. And I'm okay with that.

2019 has started out way better than 2018. It's still crazy to think an entire year has past since the awful that began 2018. I'm not saying all of 2018 was bad, but... It was all bad. 

I restarted my life toward the end of 2018 instead of trying to move forward. Restarting was the right way to go.

I live in a one bedroom apartment by myself.

I have no job currently.

And I love it.

I haven't lived in an apartment in... 5 years? And that was just for a few months. Before then it was at least another 4.

But having a full kitchen for just me... It's great! I'm marinating steaks for carne asada tonight.

It has been a LONG time since my last blog post. I was using it for therapeutic reasons and to get out of my head. I guess I don't need that anymore. Since I left "What I miss" on my last blog post. I totally found a Karaoke spot for a couple months. Unfortunately, I am no longer really welcome there on the day I used to go. That's a long story that I'd rather not tell on a public forum. 

Other things are new. I have a bearded dragon. His name is Smaug. I was quite lonely living at my dads and I learned how to take care of Bearded dragons with Kristi. A friend offered me the dragon, and I chose to take it. It was therapeutic to have another being around and I liked having something to take care of again.

I left my job at CP. It was a personal decision. I've been on the job hunt since. Truth be told, I thought it would be easier to find work than it has been - but I'm in no dire straights. I have money saved from trying to buy a house, the majority of my credit cards have been paid off (and thus usable). Even so, I'd like to have a job soon, before it becomes a concern.

Because I have a small place to maintain and no job, I've found myself with quite a bit of time. I am not using enough of it effectively, but I am hoping to change that. I recently had a conversation with my lovely new girlfriend about my weight. Now, she loves me the way I am, but she made a mention that the medical "ideal" weight for someone my height sounds unreasonable. I saw this as a challenge to try and get there. She doesn't know this yet... but I'm sure she'll know soon. This will mostly consist of dieting, but heading to the gym never hurt me before. Now that I am in a happier state of mind, it might be something I can stick to. 

 I'm getting Linux back soon. The moment I have a job, I am paying to allow him into my apartment. I could afford it now, but I figure Linux is super safe and comfortable with my mom. There is no rush.

Ya'll already know this, but I am dating a new wonderful woman named Monica. It is weird, if I'm honest. Not weird in a bad way, just... you get used to coming home to the same person with the same dogs and house and routine. I talked to Monica about this (cause she has a similar, but different story) and she hugged me close and understands it's not so much missing the ex, but missing the future that was there. The future was laid out, it was planned, and it was certain. And now I'm in a one bedroom apartment. If I'd been told a year ago that I'd be alone in a one bedroom apartment, I'd have thought the world literally ended. Again, it isn't bad. I need to stress that it isn't bad, because I am happier than I have been in a long time. But it is a bit weird.

This blog is going to change a bit over the next couple of months. I still want to write in it, but its no longer going to be something for my brain to lose its tick, or for any other therapeutic reasons. Currently, I'm thinking short stories - Donna and Daniel got me a book "Write a Story" featuring key words that are needed. I might transfer that over to this. That kinda sounds like fun.

Speaking of which, Hodger 2 has been collecting digital cobwebs over the past two months. It's time I dust that off and put some digital pen to digital paper.

Thank you for reading,
Shepsus