Journal #1 of 2019 - Restarting

Where do I begin? I'm three months late into my 2019 journals. And I'm okay with that.

2019 has started out way better than 2018. It's still crazy to think an entire year has past since the awful that began 2018. I'm not saying all of 2018 was bad, but... It was all bad. 

I restarted my life toward the end of 2018 instead of trying to move forward. Restarting was the right way to go.

I live in a one bedroom apartment by myself.

I have no job currently.

And I love it.

I haven't lived in an apartment in... 5 years? And that was just for a few months. Before then it was at least another 4.

But having a full kitchen for just me... It's great! I'm marinating steaks for carne asada tonight.

It has been a LONG time since my last blog post. I was using it for therapeutic reasons and to get out of my head. I guess I don't need that anymore. Since I left "What I miss" on my last blog post. I totally found a Karaoke spot for a couple months. Unfortunately, I am no longer really welcome there on the day I used to go. That's a long story that I'd rather not tell on a public forum. 

Other things are new. I have a bearded dragon. His name is Smaug. I was quite lonely living at my dads and I learned how to take care of Bearded dragons with Kristi. A friend offered me the dragon, and I chose to take it. It was therapeutic to have another being around and I liked having something to take care of again.

I left my job at CP. It was a personal decision. I've been on the job hunt since. Truth be told, I thought it would be easier to find work than it has been - but I'm in no dire straights. I have money saved from trying to buy a house, the majority of my credit cards have been paid off (and thus usable). Even so, I'd like to have a job soon, before it becomes a concern.

Because I have a small place to maintain and no job, I've found myself with quite a bit of time. I am not using enough of it effectively, but I am hoping to change that. I recently had a conversation with my lovely new girlfriend about my weight. Now, she loves me the way I am, but she made a mention that the medical "ideal" weight for someone my height sounds unreasonable. I saw this as a challenge to try and get there. She doesn't know this yet... but I'm sure she'll know soon. This will mostly consist of dieting, but heading to the gym never hurt me before. Now that I am in a happier state of mind, it might be something I can stick to. 

 I'm getting Linux back soon. The moment I have a job, I am paying to allow him into my apartment. I could afford it now, but I figure Linux is super safe and comfortable with my mom. There is no rush.

Ya'll already know this, but I am dating a new wonderful woman named Monica. It is weird, if I'm honest. Not weird in a bad way, just... you get used to coming home to the same person with the same dogs and house and routine. I talked to Monica about this (cause she has a similar, but different story) and she hugged me close and understands it's not so much missing the ex, but missing the future that was there. The future was laid out, it was planned, and it was certain. And now I'm in a one bedroom apartment. If I'd been told a year ago that I'd be alone in a one bedroom apartment, I'd have thought the world literally ended. Again, it isn't bad. I need to stress that it isn't bad, because I am happier than I have been in a long time. But it is a bit weird.

This blog is going to change a bit over the next couple of months. I still want to write in it, but its no longer going to be something for my brain to lose its tick, or for any other therapeutic reasons. Currently, I'm thinking short stories - Donna and Daniel got me a book "Write a Story" featuring key words that are needed. I might transfer that over to this. That kinda sounds like fun.

Speaking of which, Hodger 2 has been collecting digital cobwebs over the past two months. It's time I dust that off and put some digital pen to digital paper.

Thank you for reading,
Shepsus

2018 Journal #6 - Life like Warm Milk

MAN Alive I have been busy. I've enjoyed it, but the few hours here and there I've been at home alone I've enjoyed (which is a good change,)

My friend Katie and I head to the gym aim for twice a week at the gym, which we've been pretty good about. We've shuffled days around, but Katie is good about getting us to the gym regardless of the day. I appreciate the accountability buddy.

Donna and I have sparked a new-found friendship through Doctor Who's new season. We get together once a week to watch the episode. We've also provided each other with foods, trading off between who gets the food. This past week we went to the food trucks in Queen Creek and I liked getting the different foods. She's also a fantastic person to talk to about goals in life and what steps I'm taking to accomplish them. I've written down four goals this month to accomplish, and I am about a week in, and I feel I'm doing a good job in making 3 out of the 4 goals by the end of the month. 

Along with those two wonderful humans above, I've strangely got a lot of friends around recently. Dylan, Chase, Donna, Katie, Daniel, Kristina, Kaylyn, Penny, Mike, Jake, Janet and Jen. Along with Megan, Alicia, and Brenda over the internet. Whew... That's a basketball team right there. 

This weekend was no different. Friday was Food Trucks, Doctor Who, and Mario Party. Saturday was hanging out with brothers and friends and playing Minecraft late into the night. And Sunday I went with Kristina and her friend Amy to Payson to hike around Tonto National Trail - 4.6 miles, 17 flights of stairs, and 7 hours later I met with my BFF Daniel and what did he want to do? Walk around a gosh darned lake. And so we did... several times. Come Monday (yesterday) I am exhausted and sore and driving to work. It was a freaking great weekend.

Because of the great weekend, I had to postpone my grocery shopping to yesterday as well. I didn't know what I was buying when I got to the store, but I made it up on the fly and bought the necessary ingredients for lunches at work through the week (Chili and chili dogs for those CURIOUS). I also bought milk and cereal cause... ya know, I be healthy only sometimes.

Anyway, I bring everything inside, I meal prep and then hung out with a friend for a while before going to bed. Tonight, I decide I want to have a bowl of cereal. Cold Milk with some lovely Cinnamon Toast Crunch (yes, I regret the CTC cereal, shoulda got the Trix). But, for some reason, the milk isn't there. I search the fridge top to bottom - No go. So, I do the only thing left, I check my car.

Now, it isn't terribly warm out right now, thank god, but it isn't exactly a winter cold yet either. Driving to and from work I didn't smell anything, so I am hopeful. Turns out? It was fine. At least for tonight, I understand it was in a sealed container and everything. The cereal turnout wasn't GREAT cause its really odd to have cool milk and not fridge cold soaking your cereal. But eh, I was just very surprised it being left in a car for basically 24 hours and it was OK. 

I've been writing a bit more here and there. Haven't dedicated as much time as I should, but since it is one of my goals this November to write 10 pages, I did stop by a coffee shop today and get some writing in. I wrote about a page of another story I'm playing around with about a wizard who lives in Owensboro, KY. And about half a page of Hodger 2 - Something something Dragons. 

I'm doing good right now. I am happy. The only thing missing recently? Karaoke. I want to start heading to Karaoke regularly again and develop some type of crew to meet up. The one over at the last bar I went to seems to only go in spurts and sporadically. Can't have that if I ain't bein' told when to be there. 

Edit:: I completely forgot - I finally got my website up. www.shepsus.com is now functioning and features some of my writing.
I might move by blog to that, just for funzies. Maybe that'll be a 2019 goal.

Thank you for reading,
Brandon "Shep" Hoffman.

Journal #5 - The Quiet

Life has been difficult as of late. Not just the past few months, but the past week specifically. And it sucks, cause, I can't really talk about it much. Even now I'm finding it difficult to find words to clear my head.

I've spent a lot of time with friends and family lately. I've remained open about disliking living alone and they've all done well in keeping me company, or at least talking to me when hanging out isn't possible. And it's comforting. Like most, I feel bad about needing the attention. I'm used to having dogs and a girlfriend at home, with just noise all around. Even if I'm woken up by barking, its a reminder the pups are around... Like I said, I feel bad about it, but they don't seem to mind. And another thing has kinda come about this I did not expect...

The more I'm open about life kinda sucking, the more other people are opening up. I don't know what it is, maybe its because I'm more vulnerable, they feel they can too; I don't know. But I have had more serious heart to hearts with several of my guy friends than I have in years. Maybe its just life sucks right now, for everyone. That's a depressing thought, ain't it?

But many people have opened up who have been relatively closed off before. We've been able to talk more and just unapologetically agree that "this part of my life sucks right now" and sit there and cheers over a beer.

Now, some of this stuff I know I just need to get through - I need to find a routine at the gym and stop just going here and there. Something I can stick to and prioritize. I am going to start regular over night stays at my mothers to keep her company and see my dogs. I need to start going to bed earlier, not rushing my mornings and being only half mentally available at work. I need to start writing regularly. My books and stories keep me sane and happy, or insane and happy... But either way, I'll be mentally clear-er.

I have a bit more I can't say to the public, but I sent it to someone via Google Hangouts, and accidentally vented that way. It helped my frustration a bit.

Cheers you goons. I appreciate your patience and support while I go through whatever these few months are.

2018 Journal #4- Walking barefoot

This evening my mind started to tick, tick, tick. I didn't like it, I couldn't concentrate properly. Typically when it ticks, I try to find distraction. I open up a browser and go to YouTube, Facebook, Imgur all in a row and then close it out unsure of what I want to do but clearly wanting to do something. It means something is bothering me. Or, more simply put, I want to write.
Instead, I elected to go for a walk. It's cleared my mind in the past and help me sort through my thoughts, and funnily enough the moment I stepped outside I knew I wanted to write a blog post. But, since I don't get many opportunities to walk barefoot outside I chose to walk first. I figured that it would help the tick, help the itch that my brain was doing.
Honestly, I didn't make it very far. Right now I'm just talking to my phone and allowing it to write the words while I walk toward the wash in front of my dad's neighborhood to feel the soft, wet grass underneath my feet.
Everyone from Arizona should understand that walking barefoot isn't commonplace here. The ground is always far too hot. Tonight it rained and I saw the opportunity. So why not take it?
The grass felt nice by the way.
I've been in a learning type mood for the past day or so. Daniel turned me on to it, we went to the mall and he bought a book related to accounting and stocks. I purchased a book for the third time called Think and Get Rich by Napoleon Hill. First time I'm reading it though, I attempted to consume it two other times: the first time the book was long and thin, graphic novel like, and I really couldn't take it seriously because of that fact alone. The second time I got it on Audible and listening to someone on the subject matter seems contradictory in a weird sort of way.
This time however it is book shaped and I am enjoying it. I left it at work though, which of course means I want to read it.

Changing subject matters entirely, I went to the gym twice last week, prevented drinking soda four of those days. Not a complete success, but keeping track is more important right now I think.
The weekend was fun and full of cheat days. But that's how I see them and I fully intend to be more healthy this week.
I continue to write regularly. I finished a third short story in a series I call "A Deal is a Deal." The other thing I've been writing is a Harry Potter fanfic. Truly it's a lot of fun doing the research. I'mm writing it with purpose and for someone specific.
I feel better. I'm going to read the fun book I've been reading now, and may call it a night early.
Thank you for reading.

2018 Journal #3

I've been feeling rather good this past week or two. I almost didn't write this blog because of it. I figured, though, that one of the reasons I was feeling better was because of this blog. So here I am. I can also attribute my good feels to several friends who are keeping in touch, keeping me accountable.

Speaking of which, I went to the gym twice this week. I also helped a pair of friends move, which was a workout. Their couches were fucking heavy. 

Back to accountability, I am using a calendar markerboard I have in order to keep myself aware of my successes. If you can't see it properly, I am making an "X" every time I go the gym, and a SQUARE when I'm not drinking soda.

Saturday has been updated with an "X" as well. I definitely had soda at my friends house (they provided pizza and soda as payment for helping them move.)

The other thing I've been doing is getting back into the kitchen. I love cooking. It is a frustrating endeavor at my dads house (utensils are rather random here), but the reward is fantastic. Living with my dad and seeing him and his lady's surprise is always amusing as they look and go, "You're cooking again! What are you making?" 

I still did slip and go to Taco Bell on Friday, I didn't prep a lunch for work, so when lunch came around I went through the drive thru.

This next week my little brother Chase is staying with us. Kristi suggested He and I go to the gym when he's here. He thought it was a good idea too, so we're going to go to the gym throughout the week, and we are going to juice some fruit and cook some more food. I'm trying to be a good influence while I live here. He's fourteen and plays a lot of video games, but has so far enjoyed everything we've been doing when he's staying with our pop.

I'm going to go write some more, but on a story.
Yes, I've been doing quite a bit of that too. It's EXCITING.

I'll post some more of that later.
Toodles.

2018 Journal #2 - I had a clever title for this

This week I am not at work. Instead, my job has paid for me to go to a training program to learn the program SolidWorks. A 3d CAD program tool. The initial idea was to send me to learn about their Enterprise Product Data Management (EDPM), so I can assist our engineers when they lose connectivity to the thing. However, the person we e-mailed suggested I take the Essentials course first. My department agreed, so here I am, learning about a program I'll never use.

I'm not saying it isn't interesting, a lot of it is – but it just isn't essential to my job. The next course (which is all about EDPM) is some time in August.

The few things I have gathered while sitting at a desk is a few connections. People who know how to upgrade the software and the backend (Server, licenses, etc), and the need to write.

Boy, the need to write has bubbled up during this class. Several story ideas along with several “itches” for current stories are around. I've made a few notes on my phone throughout the class, but not many. I dare not open my laptop, cause there is a lot of material and I am taking the learning seriously.

I haven't been eating properly recently. My schedule had changed to an hour later due to the training. So I would sleep in, get up too late for breakfast, and race to training. Training provides lunch, and then I'd head home. Well, I haven't been grocery shopping lately, so the food available at the house is minimal. So I'd look in the fridge and pantry multiple times until it's too late to eat, then head to bed. Rinse, repeat for the past three days.

Truth be told I didn't think this was a big deal until I said it aloud to my friend and brother. They kinda shook their head and told me I should be eating.

Don't worry, I am going grocery shopping tonight with the intention of dirty-ing up the kitchen with juicer, blender, and pans.

I've decided to head to the gym every day after work (after training) until it becomes habit. Even if it means only saying hi to the receptionist.

Cause it is a habit I need to form.

--Shepsus

2018 Journal #1

So, without going into too much detail, 2018 has been an odd sort of hell on my mental health. My mind kind of splintered in the first three months and I was lost. I started drinking a bit too much, I stopped exercising, and I stopped (for the most part) writing. 
I felt as if I was two people: An "old" version of me who was jealous, selfish, manipulative, and materialistic... And the "current" version of me who I have been for several years: confident, caring, and kind. Those two Brandon's argued constantly in my brain. It was loud and distracting and I couldn't really pay attention to the world around me. I grew frustrated at small situations, didn't want to interact in public, and also hated being at home. My therapeutic hobbies became too much effort and I backed away from everything in order to try and shield my fractured brain.

Fortunately, I am fixing myself. I'm in control over my drinking habits, started at a new gym, and, thanks to Kristi, started writing again.

There is still a lot to work on, though. Still a lot of these little "Will Power" things that cause me stress. Though my boss doesn't care, it really bothers me that I am walking into work at 7:07 a.m. instead of clocking in at 7. It's only a 10 minute difference, but why am I consistently 5-10 minutes late? It's ridiculous. 
I am not heading to the gym as consistently as I need to. I can't blame it on sleep, or being hungry, or not having gym clothes... because those are all things under my control. I am just being lazy about it. I've been twice in two weeks, and that will not form a habit. And I need it to be a habit.
I need to edit my gaming videos. My friends and I have made a few fun videos in relating to Gaming. It took me a little more than two years to actually be brave enough to schedule them and get them in the chairs, it was SO much fun. They enjoyed it too, and as they left, Daniel asked, "So, same time next week?" Anyway, the issue is I now have about 200Gigs worth of video to put together and edit, and I haven't yet. Minecraft and DOOM and other video games have gotten in the way. If I could start the editing, I would enjoy it. But I need to fucking edit it for them to see the product.

I used to follow this philosophic idea "Do something today that will make tomorrow you proud." It helped me a lot, cause I could picture tomorrow me as a separate person, as a friend, and make them proud. "Sore muscles will make you happier tomorrow Brandon, Go to the gym today" type of thing. I dropped that philosophy even before the start of 2018, because I had someone else to rely on, someone else to make proud, now I don't.
I'm going to start trying to treat my "tomorrow me" as a friend again and treat him the way he needs to be treated. He needs healthier foods, needs exercise, and he needs writing for his mental health. Starting with these journals.

Thank you for reading.
Shepsus