Surprising number of Dreams

(If you're looking for the short story I wrote, it is in the post below this one, that's right, you got a two-fer)

Before I begin, I'd like to point out that it is rather ridiculous to come up with a title before the story. The story itself is normally created, before a witty title can be placed on it. Welp, I chose to make the title, and, hindsight being what it is, it is probably going to be irrelevant to the post. 

Kristi and I talked a lot the past few days on realistic goals for ourselves. We are in a wonderful place right now where money isn't tight, that we haven't bitten off more than we can chew yet like everyone (including myself) does. We have the ability to save money, and we are going to try our hardest to do so. We talked about Cardisia, outlining some realistic things that we'll have to do for it, sacrifices we may need to make in order to make it a success, and goals that need to be accomplished before we take it to the next level. It was all very serious talk that I didn't enjoy (because I'm an immature brat), but when we got to talking, it was exciting I have that wonderful dream of "some day" and then suddenly it's like, "not some day, but rather soon"  I apologize that this is vague, I wish I could elaborate and not bore you with business-y related things, but I assure you, you would be bored.

Moving along... 

I thought I had a lot of stuff to say until I started writing. I honestly don't. I mean,.. I have a story that is odd for some, but I found it rather clever.

So, I am a big fan of Roosterteeth, They have a social Media platform that only works well enough, and random people can comment here and there. I've started a few discussions, made some enemies, had a few arguments, made some friends. It's a weird platform where they don't allow you to give too much information away, which I personally like.

That being said, there is this person on there, who wrote a simple comment saying, "Someone tell me a story." that was four days prior to me seeing it, but no one had commented her back.
So I replied, "What kind of story?"
A day later she wrote to me, "Any kind of story."
It was at that point, ladies and gentlemen, where I cracked my knuckles, stretched the fingers, and prepared to write the novella of a lifetime! Only I didn't. That's a lie, I simply read over one of my short stories that I've written, about a page and a half, copied and pasted it. It is about three Lords of their house who choose not to bow to the new king, thus resulting in their inevitable death.  I don't write their death, because a cliff hanger is the best part, it allows the reader to think of the different possibilities, and to want more. This is the ending quote from of of my three heroes, “I don’t think you understand us Commander,” Rowan looked at his comrades to his left and right, “We have chosen to accept death over life in service to your new King and we also decided to bring as many men who serve him to the afterlife with us. The next move is yours.”

And I left it at that. I thought at the very least, she'll have something to read. Maybe she'll enjoy it, Maybe give her something to thing about, let her pick her own ending.  And... She did pick her own ending. To my unsuspecting surprise She wrote roughly a page of the battle that my three heroes had. Where the arrows soared, the swords clashed, and the blood spilled. And then, she left it on a cliffhanger. It's crazy weird how I thought nothing of it, it was practice to me, but she then went ahead and thought it was worthy enough of another page and a half. Is it weird to feel... honored? Not to mention, I feel an obligation to continue the story with this stranger, who has decided to continue my unfinished story, cause she left it at a cliffhanger as well. It is just a strange compliment. A way to say, "I would like more." by contributing some yourself. 

Thinking about it some more, I had this feeling similarly to the beginning of Cardisia, When the Artists of my group delivered more artwork and edits than I thought possible. I enjoy this feeling. 

Now... About Cardisia you ask.

There are no serious updates on it, except that I have reworked the story from the ground up so it 10 times better with Kristi editing it. But something strange has happened to me in the past 24 hours, in which I was trying to say above (with all the vagueness) that I couldn't quite figure out until I started organizing my thoughts through writing this.

Cardisia is no longer just a dream. It is no longer "just a project." It is work. It is my second Job. It is the internship of a job of a lifetime. It is a struggle to deal with the issues at hand, it is a struggle to focus and not just be "the writer" of a fun project. I hate the work needed to be put into it sometimes.... Hates a strong word. But dislike. I dislike the work I need to put into it sometimes. But I still do. I am not the writer, but the creator. Do we need something sketched? I suck at drawing, but I can promise you I've drawn 10 images recently. Traced several others to sharpen them up (the originals were quite small). Every time an artist needs help with how to show something on a comic-panel platform, I'm sketching it up as best I can, and sending it on its way with a script, idea, and character outlines. I am constantly in need of more of me to do what I need to do. But deep down I love it. I won't let it go. It's soon, my friends. Very soon.

"So one vote to leave, and one to stay." Rowan sighed. "What should we do?" - Ending of the end of a story of three heroes. 

A hero's journey.

It doesn’t seem so long ago, the six of us standing there, enjoying each other’s company, the calm before the storm. Even Johan and Treven got along that day, remember? And when the storm reached us, when Vyell and his darkness stood at our doorstep, we fought as one. It wasn’t a battle of desperation anymore to us, we wanted to be there, we were happy. We were the six warriors of light who kept the shadow back. It was our honor. And finally, when the sun could be seen through the clouds the next day, we won. Even through the victory, Vyell’s pact of power kept him alive and a threat. He would remain immortal for the century his contact gave him. The King of Kalem had a way for us to succeed. A way to hide one of the warriors of light from time and space until they were needed. To hold ourselves in place as the rest of the world turned for one hundred years. The six of us looked at each other in disbelief before tears were shed. After everything we sacrificed, everything we gave up to go on this ridiculous journey and beat all the odds against us, we were asked to sacrifice one of us to battle alone while the rest of us lived out our lives. You volunteered first.

                Johan and Treven argued with you before turning on each other like they always did. Then Tiffy argued on my behalf. Kat slapped you and then hugged you, knowing she couldn’t change your mind. She was always OK with your tough decisions, she saw you as our leader from the very beginning. We all did. You were the one to pull us through, and you had made the decision easier for everyone. Everyone except me. You know your decision would change my life forever. It was the saddest I had ever been.

                We had plans, you and I. Fenix the mighty, and Faye the adorable. That is what you called us. I was a warrior through and through, yet you called me adorable. Kat had Johan, Tiffy had Treven, and I had you. You had promised me a happy life. You said we would wander together until we grew old, and then buy a small castle with all of our earnings. We would be a Lord and Lady, have servants, and seamstresses and little pets and… You broke that promise. You sacrificed our love for the good of the world and I hated it. You were being a hero and I hated it.

                I tried to convince myself you were just doing it for the glory, that you were being selfish. But, deep down, I knew you were being as selfless as anyone could be. It was a decision you made quickly, but not easily. I heard you cry that night in the woods, the day before the ceremony was to take place, do you remember? You wept alone, away from everyone, to keep yourself looking strong. And it is now I know why. Because your weeping lead me to where I am now.

                I am sorry for what I did. It was irrational and stupid and dumb, but I stand by it. You see, without you, I had nothing left. I had no happily ever after, no storybook ending. And that’s what heroes end up with at the end, don’t they? That’s why the hero chooses to fight and no one else does, because they have nothing to lose. They choose because everyone else can’t make that tough decision.

I hope you ended up forgiving me Fen. I hope you found another pretty girl, wandered the lands, became a Lord, and treated your servants well. I hope you lived out your days while I slept. I hope you were a hero even to the smallest town. I promise you I will be. I will be Faye the adorable, even in this future I have woken up to. Vyell will feel your strength through me. Everyone will. I promise.

-Faye, the Adorable Warrior of Light

The Reaction.

Happy New Year everyone!

Least I hope it was happy. Way better than previous Years I've had.

So... I don't know why, but I felt obligated to write before the new year, set some new year resolutions. Like I do every year. Except I didn't do it last year (January of 2014)... My first post was in late January, and I didn't talk about resolutions at all.

Anyway, I have a few resolutions, which now I feel that I should keep to myself. I don't know why. I think it is cause it's a bit more personal, and you wouldn't care because it is boring. "Do more office work" sounds like a really horrible resolution, quite the opposite of most people's "take time to smell the roses" But that's what it is. There. I told you. Are you happy? Also to write more...

Moving on.

It is story time! Title related.

Kristi, Mike, and I were doing our usual Sunday get-together and we started with lunch. Kristi was sick of Paradise Bakery food, so we walked a little ways down to Pita Jungle. On the way, Mike and I were discussing superheroes, and how there aren't that many original powers left. I came up with a person who can basically mimic another persons ability, or can absorb the blow and deal it back in the same manner. (To be quite honest, I thought this was unique as far as unique goes. But Final Fantasy uses "Blue Magic" which is similar, and there are several heroes like Sebastian Shaw who have that exact power.) I thought it would be a fun hero and I was made fun of. Even told our waiter about him, and he asked his name... So I said, "The Reaction!" More laughter ensued (all in good fun, I assure you) and at the end of the meal as he gave us our checks, he said he hopes to see it in a comic book some day. I don't know why, but that stuck with me. Made me feel good. I think I took it a little more to heart because I am trying to accomplish getting a story and comic book going. Shortly thereafter, we were at Paradise, writing, yelling, and arguing are way to finishing Cardisia again.

That was early December. Fast forward to Christmas, Kristi got me an Xbox One and got me set up with an account and everything. And the password had to do with The Reaction hero. It warmed my heart as it was something I said off the wall and in jest, but it was clearly memorable enough to make sure it was included. "It was something that was you." I think she said.

And even two weeks after, it pops up now and again. I'm starting to like him. I think he would be a great hero in one of my Hero stories. 

As I said above, one of my serious goals and resolutions is to write more, specifically, write more at home. I have an office I rarely use, but the past few times I've been in there I've enjoyed opening my blinds and writing, or talking to people online. I've decided that along with my weekly Paradise get together, I will start setting a schedule for myself to write at home. Make sure Kristi has writings to edit when Sunday comes around. 

Lastly, this wasn't mentioned above. I had wanted to start my Fit For a Hero recordings back in November. I sorta did... But didn't have any intro's and I haven't really liked what I've recorded thus far. I've watched a lot of Wheezy Waiter videos, and even a few of his jogging... And I liked them. They weren't perfect, they sounded just like my jogging video, and I enjoyed watching it. Which made me realize that I only dislike it because I am the one in the video. SO, that being said, I am going to start it. This month. No reason not to. I have EVERYTHING I need. No time like the present. Got to start. NOW.

The secret to creativity is not even a real secret. ... It is Don't Expect to like what you're making. About 70% of what I make, I don't even like. - Wheezy Waiter "The Secret to Creativity"

The Myth of Greatness

My title bothers me on a personal level. It bothers me because I took it from a Youtube video from vlogbrothers. It bothers me because I don't really have a subject on the matter other than myself. And lastly, it bothers me because it goes against one of my favorite quotes I made up, and it forces me to admit that I'm not great.

Gah, Ok, that sucks, I don't like typing that. I've always told myself, that I've worked too hard to not be great at what I want to be. I could be great at many things, but I'm not yet. Ok, this is sounding like a different rant I did before, where I talked about how I was lazy. That has been written and read. That is boring. Let's try something else... let's start with a new title...

The Myth of Youtube Greatness. 

Dammit... let's try one more time...

Cardisia

Yes, that's a good place to hide away from my fears and doubts. Yeah.

So, where to begin since you've last heard of my project? Hrmm.

I had written two seasons, and was about to start on the third. Well that has changed. I brought Kristi on as my editor (which she has chosen as her career, which is AWESOME for her) and she ripped holes through my story so quick, my story was nearly naked.  

I have since rewritten four of the episodes, whilst needing to write a new 5th, because the former 5th and now 6th episode just doesn't fit without something in there. By now the 2nd part of the story will need to be completely rewritten, because of how good the 1st one is.

The villain was introduced in a really dumb way before, and is now introduced well and works her way into the unfolding story smoothly. Her intentions and side is clearly mapped out, which it wasn't previously. 

The character Ryne has finally been written the way she should be, and is no longer introduced in a quirky, random way... Ugh, Kristi and I have argued about Caridisia and the Stories of Cir more often than actual relationship-y stuff. But we have finally managed a way to communicate without me getting huffy.

Anyway, I know the ^above doesn't make much sense, since you can't read it, but believe me, Kristi has improved the crap out of the story. Anyway, onto "Stories of Cir" which does come with a few spoilers about the world itself.

Here is the 4th draft of the world:

The Wold of Cir - 970

The Year and actual map is not yet confirmed, but it's my favorite so far (this is the only artwork I do, I promise). But this is the planet Cir. My animated story (thus far) revolves around the highlighted regions below:

So, as you can see, there are several parts of the world that is left, well, unattended. Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but I got a lot of stories under my belt, and many more wanting to be released. My idea is to write them into comics or web comics, and have them be released online, sharing the same timeline my animated show is on.

Even going beyond that, it would be a nice way to introduce and create a character through the comic, who ends up being involved in the show.This is something happening way later down the line, but something I'd like to share with my friends and family who read my blog. These are plans for making it a successful show. 

On the same map, here are some stories I've very roughly come up with...

They are all rough stories, not much meat in them yet, but they are ideas, and I really think they can open the world while still being in the same universe. 

... I have since lost my train of thought, as work and other matters have come up. I'll leave it as it is for now.

Couple side notes - I'm finally writing and recording stuff for Fit For a Hero. It has changed a bit, but I really like the outcome.

If there are any map makers who'd like to draw my map a bit better, I'd love for you to message me and lemme know!

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - Maya Angelou

18 hours to go.

I am a big Youtuber.
I am a fan of Youtube, I am a fan of the communities, and I am an active member is several of the communities. I don't think I've ever made "top comment", but I know I've gotten really close. I have never "trolled" (gah I hate that word) but I've been tempted. I am subscribed to several members in which I have learned when they post and I even liked one of the videos so much that I redid it on my own. Mine isn't better by any stretch, but I loved that video and I have watched it at least twice since I redid it.
That being said, I spend a lot of time on Youtube. It is the only real video streamer service that works enough at work (Netflix and Hulu drag a LOT), and when I run out of my funny videos to watch, I try to find videos that capture my attention. That is how I found the vlog brothers, TED Talks, Vi Hart and other many many videos.

I consider it my bible of sorts. Not of religious purposes, but of community and inspiration and self-recognition. It helped me in many different ways, nothing real dramatic, and none of which I'll spell out here.

But I wanted to bring that up because not only did a series of YT videos help me realize my fears, a completely separate video got rid of some of those fears indefinitely.

As I mentioned in a previous post, Kristi helped me realize that my ideas that I had had were building up because I wasn't actually doing them. The reason being I didn't like not being good at it. I was constantly getting frustrated because I don't like learning and failing.

Now, the actual video is below; but the message he sends out is fairly basic.
"Take 20 hours of your life to learn something."
Now that is a pretty simple request. It is very reasonable. It's a part-time job for one week. Or an hour a day for 20 days. Split it up how you want, but 20 hours focused on anything and you will be good at it. Not an expert, but good. The key, the video tells me, isn't about being perfect, it's about knowing how to do it. Just try and work and learn for 20 hours, and you will be knowledgeable on how to do it, whatever it may be. That goes with video editing, musical instruments, learning a language, sports, video games.

20 hours of video recording is going to be a chore. 20 hours of editing is going to be a pain. But after 20 hours, it won't be a hassle then. I'll have the ability I need. It'll be easy.

 I am not afraid to learn anymore. I am 24. I am only 24. I have the internet at my fingertips and more tutorials are not available to everyone than ever before. You can learn, literally, whatever you want. And I want to learn video. I want to learn cuts and takes and angles and be a Youtuber.

Join me, will you?

~Just a thought.

From the Inside Looking Out.

Hey everyone! We're getting colorful today!

So I have a story, but in order to tell that story, I need to tell you another story. This is a rather personal story that has no real merit and it won't change your views on me, but I think it is still a story worth sharing. Here is the first story to help describe the actual story I wish to tell.

When I was 21 I rented a house with a few roommates. It seemed to us that it was a rather large house, two bathroom, three bedroom home. A large portion of the backyard was extended for a separate "dining" room that included a bar, which connected directly to the kitchen, which connected to the living room and old dining room. Basically, it was one large room with hip high separated walls. Anyway, during our time there we had several parties, acquired some beat-up couches that friends had donated, they were upgrading and I just took what they didn't want. It provided a great area for drunk friends to sleep at. At one point I owned five couches, two entertainment centers, two desks, and a dining room table, and that's before heading into my master bedroom. Needless to say, I thought I was doing great, until I needed to move out into a friends spare bedroom. See, I was a very materialistic person at the time. I needed to acquire things and I couldn't let these things go. I had decided to rent a storage unit until I got a house again. After all, what is $40/month for all this stuff! 

However, I did the smart thing and talked to my dad about the idea, and he gave me one of the most insightful advice I had ever received up until that point in my life. He told me to throw it away. 

Now, I was very much against the advice at first. I didn't yell or anything, but that little person inside my brain (not the angel nor devil, more of like the accountant counting my stuff) kept telling me I needed it. Sure, it was beat up, sure friends gave it away for a reason, sure there may have been tears and stains and smells, but it was mine. And I had a lot of it. But, I had always trusted my dad before, and he hadn't let me astray yet (still hasn't), so I brought my roommate out of his room and together we threw away the beat up couches, gave away the spare entertainment center and desk, gave away the spare couches that were only worn. I gave the dining room table back to my family and was left with very few things. When I moved out of my house into my spare bedroom, I had a bed, desk, dresser, and my newer entertainment center, but it was taken apart and under my bed. And I felt free.

It was nothing short of amazing to me. The freedom of lack off stuff. That accountant who was on my shoulder just quit his job.

Now, please understand I have acquired more stuff now than those few items I listed in my story. But also understand that I wouldn't be sad if it were gone. I collect Captain America (CA) stuff like crazy, with a $280 Jacket replica, $100 metal shield, $70 sweater. I have CA stuff hung on walls, I have a CA mouse pad, I have CA glasses still in boxes, two CA coffee mugs and an assortment of CA action figures. But if there ever is a moment a kid looks at this stuff in awe and says he wants one of his own to play with, he'll probably be walking out of my office with a new toy. If I ever have a friend say that we should drink from said boxed cups in celebration of something. You bet your ass I'll be tearing those boxes apart for some memories.

Anyway, back on track. After that day I made two rules that I try my hardest to still follow today.

1 - Never keep stuff you don't need or want. Only have stuff that you use. This rule has been the one rule that allows myself to feel free. Since I made this rule, I've given many things away, including my bed, CDs, Mp3 player, games, books, and a bass guitar. And even if it is not actually in the rule, I always give it away. I don't sell it. I am well enough off to not pander it off to the highest bidder. I give it to someone who I feel wants/needs the stuff.  

Side Note: Unfortunately for some, listening to this piece of advice in the strictest sense leaves you without many sentimental items. I don't care about sentimental items in my life. I have people, friends, family, and pets. This hurts some people, but they love me anyway. 

2 - Take advice from the person who's Outside looking in - This is the hardest of all hard things to listen to. Giving away my stuff was one of the most mentally straining decisions I ever have ever done. But it was probably the best decision I had made at that time. I have since sold my small dog Joey against the love of the guy, broken up with girls who I had strong feelings for, and got rid of my Charger despite the roar of the engine. This is stuff I did not want to do, but family and friends told me to make it. I trusted in their decision over my own brain screaming "No! No! NO!" And it has worked out so far.

Knowing this, this brings me to my actual story. A very recent one actually, yesterday, at dinner. So Kristi took me to a surprise dinner at Oregano's, which ended us at The Spaghetti Company because we decided not to wait an hour and a half. We ordered food and talked for a bit. Mostly about the different projects we have going on in our life. I say projects and not Project, because Project is something specific that you know if you've been reading my blog for a while. ANYWAY, we're talking about our projects in life, her diet, my workout schedule, the Project (there it is!), and then my other video projects that I have rattled around in my head. I keep those projects (lower p) to myself and let them stew for a while. I share them with Kristi out loud so I can hear it being said, and she's kind enough to say nothing opinion-related until asked. So, these are some of the video projects that have been stewing, so you can be where she is at right now:

The Project: Cardisia - Wrote almost two seasons worth that I go over constantly and re-edit to make sure it flows. I will be having a second editor go through them very soon.
Time to completion - Months - Ongoing process with the wonderful group.
Effort - Lots, but enjoyable

Fit For a Hero - Video series of me becoming a superhero. That's right. Working out, working hard, and devoting some screen time to the wonderful heroes of comics.
Time to completion - Weeks - Video Recording, Working out, Challenges, Video editing...
Effort - Lots, but I need to work out anyway.

Hero Days - Another video series my friend and I are throwing around. Crossing Universes between Marvel and DC, just ranting about the other heroes in our Universe while highlighting what is actually going on in the world of comics. No Time frame or effort yet made though.

Vlogging - I watch many vlogs and I enjoy them, and I started thinking instead of this written blog, what about video-blogging? eh?! EH?!
Timeframe - Short (video would be 5 min long), but weekly.
Effort - Minimal, just little edits here and there.

Reading John Green's book "The Fault in Our Stars" - So, I understand this book is fairly popular to the outside world, but I only caught sight of it after watching John Green's Youtube channel. I enjoy watching him rant about feel-good things. He wrote this book called "The Fault in Our Stars" and it became a movie. After I told Kristi about it, she saw the book at the store and I purchased it and read it in two-three days and loved it. So I thought, what an interesting thing to do. I know one person does it on Youtube, so why not I? I loved the book, it wouldn't take very long I don't think, and I could get some followers.
Time to completion - Short (reading requires only a little editing as I have a script)
Effort - Minimal. I have my script. I sit. I read.

So all of those ideas in red are ideas I came up with and talked about with her at one time or another.
When I told her about Reading John Green's book, she said nothing, but silently shook her head. I asked for her opinion, and this is what she said:
"I think when you are considering doing recordings for Youtube, you get nervous and want to start copying ideas instead of doing your own. "Fit For a Hero" is a great idea that you haven't started and you seem stuck in the planning phase, you just keep coming up with different ideas that aren't yours to do. People already Vlog and people already read books on Youtube."

And that's when I grew silent. I was silent because I wanted to argue with her. She asked why I was silent and I told her I was thinking, which I was. I sensed that "No! No! NO!" voice in my head, just disagreeing with everything she said to me. Even though she is completely right. I have decided to take her advice over the screaming brain that just wants to keep my delusion that vlogging and reading books were my idea.

I am scared. I am scared I am no good, scared to ask if I can record in the gym I go to. I'm scared to write something that I can't pull off and get frustrated. I am scared of the work and the effort I would need to put into it. But waiting around isn't going to get it done. It's time to start. Be bad if I must, and improve.

So, I love the few readers I have. And I only share on Facebook and Deviant Art now (One person read from the Ukraine!) But I am legitimately curious how many views I can get in a week. So I have a request. If you enjoyed this colorful blog, share it with a friend. This isn't for Youtube points or reddit points, or anything of the sort. Just my curiosity. Thanks!

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation. - Herman Melville

Fears

So, before you read this. Be aware it is a rant. After watching some videos online I decided I needed to get more internal fears out onto the digital pavement that I have been given. I wrote it once and haven't edited it in the slightest. When I thought of a another fear, I added it, so it might seem a bit broken up, but that's OK with me.

As I'll say below, this isn't looking for sympathy or empathy or anything of the sort. This is for a more personal reason that I decided to release. I wanted it out of my system. An excerpt of my mind-diary.

Side Note: I felt this needed to be said, but this isn't about the Project. The Project and it's crew are going smoothly and we're working on storyboard and colors right now. This is about other endeavors I plan on taking, and I can't get over that stump of "starting".

-----------------------
I'm afraid of the camera. I think people will judge me, they will cringe, they won't watch my videos. I have an online social anxiety of being identified by something other than a good person. My several video ideas are related to comics, I have thrown the idea around of vlogging just to get used to the camera, but I dunno. I am too hard on myself. I expect perfection. To be ignored means I wasn't good. And I'm afraid of that.

It isn't just the recording, it's editing. I am not good at it, I don't like doing things that require more practice. Despite my age of 24 I feel like I am almost too old to go back to school for anything. Everything is self-taught and therefore self-pushed and self-criticized and self-failure. Listening to my voice as I edit bothers me. Deciding that it could be better and then feeling like I need to redo it. I know logically that it wouldn't be something most would catch, but I catch it, so it now matters.

Asking people to help is something seem to be OK with, but I hate asking. I hate asking because I don't have anything to give in return. Whether it is to participate in videos, hold the camera, edit the footage, view the footage. I don't want to annoy those around me.

It's all about the prep work. The prep work is hard. I always tell friends that I could head to the gym every day, if I could just have my gym clothes on during the start of the day. If I could wake up and be there I could do it. But it's the getting ready, setting my music, driving there, knowing my routine, and then finally getting to where I want to be. And that's working out.

The same goes for video making. I built my studio, I have everything I need, it just isn't together. My laptop and cords and camera need to be moved into that one room and set up. I need to find a clean shirt, make up some dialogue, know my dialogue enough. "Don't say 'Uhhm' too much." And don't have too many takes, because if you can get your computer to the studio and set up the studio and record and move the computer back into the office, you'll need to edit. And editing is just prep work for posting. It's mind blowing how frustrating prep work is to me.

It's the first video that's the hardest. That's what I tell myself. I tell myself that because I am hoping after this struggle of finding out what I would find interesting in hoping others would find it interesting too it will become easier.

I think of when I am already popular. My mind doesn't have that milestone of "work hard to get there" it is "when you get there" and I think my brain tells me I am entitled. This would be nothing I would think myself, but I always think of "series 2" instead of focusing on Series 1. With this thought process Series 1 becomes prep work for what I should be doing. And, unfortunately, prep work is irritating.

I don't write this for sympathy or empathy or for people to tell me it'll be Okay or to make false promises in watching my videos that I plan to post. I just want to be able to have my fear recognized.

I am lazy and I hate being lazy. I hate being lazy but I am lazy because I hate chasing my dreams. If I catch my dreams and my dreams become reality and I realize my grass is, in fact, green, I will have to continue to take care of it. Letting it die and envy "the other side" where the grass is greener is just easier.

It is easier to wish on a star and have it not come true because that's what we are taught when we are children. To wish on a star and realize you are already a real boy and everything else is hard work.

It's easier to lose myself in Netflix or Hulu or Youtube. To not think for those few hours through the day before work where I can wish to go home "to be productive" or sleep where I can set my alarm to get up early, only to sleep in again and again. The moment I can get past the prep work though...

I am open minded, but I don't take advice well. I tend to think that I know better at what I want. I try to remain open to suggestion but it doesn't work well often. And I don't know why.

Thank you for listening.
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“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” 
― Frank Herbert, Dune