It's not my river I adore, but others. Let them flourish.

Mk, Back in my earlier posts, I had mentioned that Dylan loves to read and I love write. Well, I forgot to mention Dylan loves to write too. He's good at it, his style is very different than mine, but his comes out with so much mystery that its difficult to stop reading. I asked him, more than once, if I can post this. He's finally allowed me to share to all my wonderful readers.
This is something Dylan wrote, and he's said it will never be any longer or expound in any way. It's for the reader to fill in all the blanks. Enjoy as I did.

Victor

            Do you remember the old stories? Who would have thought, those years back, that you'd be the hero in one? I didn't, certainly, and I was your best friend. If I couldn't see it, I don't think anyone could. Do you remember those notices that were sent out as you began? How foolish it must have seemed, challenging the rulers of darkness at eighteen. I can remember word for word what they said.

Eighteen years ago, a boy was born who would one day take up a blade forged of bone and steel, coated in brass and etched with gold, a blade that will shine in the dying light of the world, a symbol of hope for mankind. Do not fear, for the savior of the world has come to free us.

            I knew it would be dangerous. I warned you. I had read the old stories, I knew them by heart. I tried to tell you. Becoming the bearer of such a weapon takes trials and tribulations, a gauntlet of danger, a bevy of horrors, lost loves and loves fulfilled. You knew about Gwydion, your alleged ancestor. But you told me it didn't matter how difficult, how terrible, you were going to make the attempt if it killed you. How could you forbid me from coming along, those years ago? We had stood against everything together up to that point, but apparently being chosen the hero of mankind changes a person.

            It took a lot of work to track you down, Andrew. I was caught out there when you killed this place's dark masters. I'm still unsure as to why you changed your name. At the very least, you could have chosen one of the old kings to name yourself after. But Mortalis, well, nobody knows the meaning of that. I finally looked it up one day, through all the texts I've kept. And I doubt you're really all that human anymore, as your name suggests. Obviously you still bleed red, but anyone human would have faltered before now, or died. Force of will, is that what you're trying to say? I can see what you mean. I got here, I made more of myself than I was. No, that's not right, actually. I'm exactly who I was, who I have always been. The only difference now is that I have grown older, and that you now listen to me. I'm sure the restraints have something to do with that though.

            I'm sorry about the pain. And having taken your delightful sword. But you, you left me behind in that boring town we grew up in. Those numberless afternoons of wanting to be heroes together, and you left me behind when opportunity came calling. Look at you now, shining armor rent and torn, helm broken and battered, your sword dulled. Even that light in your eyes has faded. Yes, you've done as you promised the world, the tyrants have been deposed. Nothing is in place to stop a similar individual from taking their place, any of them. Ah, you never realized that? The unfortunate masses you were fighting for are not going to stop it. No, no, struggling won't help. Those bonds are quite secure. And it hurts me to see you drawing that much fresh blood.

            As I said those years ago, you're not going to live through this. And without you, nothing stands in the way of an exact copy of this thing you have destroyed from being born again. When people play 'pick a hero', it really means they aren't willing to fight. Nobody joined you on your journey, nobody even wanted to besides me. And with what I've done here, what I am doing to you now, it's quite unlikely I'll resist a hostile takeover. I might actually guide the next supreme emperor, or whoever it was you defeated. What? What are you trying to say? Hah!

            You can hardly call me evil, when you don't know what it really means. I assure you, I'm good, as are you. What I have done here is good. Quite good in fact. You see, good is polar to bad, negligent, or simply 'doing it wrong'. I have done right, you are here, I am here in a position of power, all quite well and good. According to plan, some might say. And well, counter to unwell, referring to a state of rightness, of order. Death is orderly, as is captivity. But chaos is not evil. The phrase 'Good and Evil' is nonsense, they are unrelated. Good and bad, right and wrong, chaos and order, black, white, dark, light, well, unwell, pure, impure, and evil.

            So you see, evil has no polar opposite. I believe this is because the opposite simply does not exist. Hero and villain are a matched pair, one merely the lesser of two evils. And I, indeed, your lesser for so long, barely now having me potential recognized as yours was. I knew, I too could be great. I could rise.

            As has been said by so many before, in the old stories, we're not so different, you and I. I could have been the hero if not for some twist of fate. Your ancestors or mine, who really knows the lineage of storybook heroes? And here we stand, together, at the end of the road. Bound here not by some fate, or shared past, but by my will alone. Not so different, but I, the 'normal' one, have bested the 'destined' hero. The 'savior of the world'. Quiet now. Your time is up. Your struggles are over. Let me end your suffering, with your own blade.

Any comments, questions, or critiques can be done by e-mailing me or commenting below. That's all folks :)

“You should know
How great things were before you
Even so
They're better still today
I can't think of who I was before
You ruined everything
In the nicest way”
- You Ruined Everything, by Jonathan Coulton
~Just a thought

Lay in the morning dew and let your sorrows drift away.

Wow, to say life has been going great would still be a slight understatement. This week was another beautiful one people. Monday I didn't do much that I can recall, please correct me if I'm wrong. Tuesday was another workout that went well, talked quite a bit with Jake and we talked about Thursday (our running day in which I've canceled on every time so far), and about a few other insignificant things. I like hanging out with Jake, because he always has stories of his police work, and even though I feel we are getting closer as friends, we don't really talk about anything serious, unless its about working out. I know its sounds bad, but its fun to have a friend to BS a day away without worrying about anything.

Wednesday.. Wednesday, Wednesday was an amazing day. It didn't start out too swell. I had to go to the dentist. I'm like everyone else in the world, I hate the dentist. BUT, I hate them because they like to remind me how bad my teeth are. They were examined, and I need a root canal and one pulled, neither of which this dentist does. She's still a sweet heart and I plan getting my cavities removed/fixed with her. She is able to schedule me a same-day appointment with a root canal specialist.

So I get to the root canal guy, he X-Rays my teeth and agrees that they are pretty bad. He looks at the one he needs to drill, and then looks at the one I'm supposed to get pulled, He X-rays it for free, and then says that he *may* be able to fix that tooth as well, IF there is enough tooth left after getting rid of the decay. Well, we do the one, cost me $377 ($90 more for SAME-DAY visits.. Bogus) but my tooth is no longer hurting me. VERY happy.

After the dentist I go on a non-date with this beautiful girl/lady/woman (I feel comfortable saying girl more so than woman, is that ok?). I say non-date because she is moving and doesn't want to feel horrible if things don't work out after she has moved. Anyway, we have a great time at Uncle Sam's (YUM!) and her friend stops by and we talk briefly. I walk them both out when it nears 10pm and hug them goodbye. It was amusing cause my non-date came in for a second hug because our first one was pretty half assed and we both wanted a better hug than previously. Went to work after.

Thursday was very eventful. I did make it to running with Jake. We jogged for a little over a mile. He wasn't stressin too much but I sure was. But he's a good guy and kept pace with me and pushed me farther than I would have myself. Went to Native New Yorker that night with several friends to catch up and eat. We hadn't done it as a large group since Will's passing, and Donna (as well as the rest of us) felt that a tragedy shouldn't be the thing that brings us together. So, all of us show up, minus a very whew who live elsewhere *cough* Kevin *cough*. We eat and be merry. There were a few embarrassing things recorded, a few more embarrassing things that weren't, the waitress always had perfect timing and seemed to enjoy hanging out with us despite me being slightly obnoxious. Don't worry people I tipped her well. I had to jet a little early cause I had work, said goodbye and went on my way.

I get pulled over, almost get arrested, but that's a story I'll tell in person when asked, so I don't repeat myself as often.

I get to work, it seems to be ok, then it happened... Around 4:30 AM, a whole site for a customer loses internet. Now, this customer is a multi-million dollar company, this 'site' I'm told is several buildings and ALL about production. We're talking a couple thousand dollars a minute they aren't up (I might be exaggerating a little, but not by much I promise you). So I get about 5 phone calls from each section of the site letting me know what I already knew thanks to our systems here. This is how my phone calls go..

Call 1: To our Central Operations Manager, he's in charge of the issues in regards of the customer and he must be informed of any critical issues. I leave a voicemail.
Call 2: A call to the ISP Level 3, who says they don't see anything wrong, but they'll open an investigation.
Call 3: A call to our Network on-call. He doesn't wake up, Left Voice mail.
Call 4: Received a call from the COM asking for what's going on, what's being done about it, and to make sure an Incident Report is created for further review.
Call 5: A call to L3 - They let me know they called Verizon since they own the line, it could be a routing issue.
Call 6: A call to the Network on-call. He picks up, I give him the run-down, he says he'll investigate the firewall and see if its something on our side.
Incident Report created..
Call 7: A call from L3, says Verizon doesn't see any issues either, but they are investigating still and still awaiting confirmation from them
Call 8: A call from the customer with the issue. During this phone call, the Network on-cal IMs me and asks me to trouble shoot with the customer so we can narrow down the issue because we strongly feel its a DNS issue. It's about 15-20 minutes of troubleshooting that gets us NO WHERE. I disconnect the call. The Network on-call tells me that he's passing this issue off to the 1st shift network guy so he can go back to bed. I catch the 1st shift on-call up and give him the ticket number.
Call 9: L3 again, no issues still found. I told him what we're doing over here to get it up and running as well, we both document our issues and both continue to investigate.
Call 10: It's the customers IT guy, giving us the rundown of what he can and cannot do. Every device appears up, but they can't access the internet, but can ping EVERYTHING, even outside the network. which, again, REALLY points to a DNS issue. But IP addresses don't work either.. UGH.
Finished up the Incident Report and e-mailed it to all necessary.

Throughout this process I do call the site to ask "Does it work?" cause everything on me end was saying it should be working. Unfortunately, It's at this time I need to get going, so for two hours just constant phone calls, documenting, and writing reports and e-mails. These nights remind me why they let us get paid for a week with watching movies, because when this stuff happens I need to know and document everything. I love nights like this. I always say that a fun job is a job I feel like I have an importance at.. Dish Network I was one in a million, a gold star, but just one of many waiting to replace me. Here, however, for those two hours, I was irreplaceable, I knew the issue better than anyone and I was the go-to guy for information.. Even though I wasn't one of the admins fixing the issue, I sure as hell felt like I played an important part getting it fixed.. It felt good. I left a little late that day to make sure everything was documented properly and so, if need be, a 1st shifter could help.

Friday I spent it with my sister for her birthday. I took her to dinner with my brothers Tylor and Dylan and their friend Ryan. During dinner my sister got a call from Jeremy wishing her a happy birthday, he asked for me and goes, "Alright, alright, though I'll never say this to your face, you are the better brother for taking her out to dinner." DAMN RIGHT =D. We eat and I get the people at Garcia's to sing to her and give her some ice cream. Later her, Ryan, and myself went to a hotel she had for the night and drank wine and beer and chilled in the jacuzzi and pool. It was fun getting to know Ryan (we hadn't spent much time with him prior) and hanging out with my sister. All in all very relaxing.

Saturday.. Wow, this is getting to be LONG. But what a week? RIGHT?! Annnnyway SATURDAY. Daniels birthday celebration! I treated him and Donna to a movie, Lynne, Isaac, and Mason showed up. We saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I really enjoyed the movie, though a little disappointed as to how it ended. Then we went to Dave and Busters and met up with Kevin, Mario, Alicia and her boyfriend Elvis. We ate some good GOOD food, played some games (pictures on FB PEOPLE) and then Daniel got his chocolate cake with ice cream. Funny thing is, Daniel doesn't like chocolate.. So Kevin and I took it from him and ate most of it. Twas good.

We say goodbye to Alicia, Elvis, Lynne and Kevin as the rest of us headed off to the Casino. Daniel, Isaac, and I played roulette the entire time since we didn't have much cash. Mario lost the most playing both blackjack and roulette, and then Mason won the most. If you wanna know numbers you're gonna have to ask them. I ended up being down $8.75 at the end, but for three hours worth of entertainment? Cheaper than the movies.

After that we ended up hitting up Gus's pizza bistro, it was PACKED for 2:30AM, bars were closing, everyone was drunk and wanted food, and Gus's is 24 hours and really the only place open.. So, we get some food rather quickly, then take off to Isaac's and Mason's place and eat. We eat till about 5am (had to drop off Mario somewhere within that time frame. Donna receives a message on Facebook saying Kevin is up (only getting like, 4 hours of sleep since he had to ride back to Tucson) and so the group of us all texted him separately "good night". He appeared amused and replied with "good morning".

Sunday (Today), I slept till 1pm, then went and took Kelli out to Oregano's, for those who haven't been there, OMG delicious... Great price for LOTS of food. Then, Kelli surprised me with this cookie/ice cream platter that I had never had before, very delicious. At the end of the date she said that she wanted to pay since I paid last time and it was only fair. I accepted this logic and she went into her purse to find out she didn't have enough. =P She had left her card at home and only had enough to pay for half of it. I laughed both with and at her (she was embarrassed I think) and I paid for my half. At the end I walked her to her car and we kissed goodbye.

I headed to my dads and played Settlers of Catan with Dylan and Drake. Told them about my date. Drake won the game, first time for him too. Go him.

Around 8pm I drove off to Tilted Kilt with my buddy Mike, we are trying to make this a regular thing. It's karaoke night then. Mike likes to sing and he held me on my promise to sing this time around. I was really nervous going up there, but right before my huge debut, they started playing the Cupid shuffle. Now, for those who haven't been reading. I'm an expert. So I started dancing before everyone got up there. More people joined but my confidence was UP since I did a group thing first.

I chose "Friends in low places" by Garth Brooks. I told everyone there to help me sing the chorus before the song started, when it started to play everyone cheered!Everyone to sing the chorus with me (at least I believe so). It was a lot of fun. Some good food and great views and an awesome time, I shook Mikes hand and trotted off to work.

But it doesn't stop there... Tonight my boss comes in about an hour late with a fudge cake saying happy birthday. He did it a day early so my whole team could have cake with me. Very nice of him. My friend Becka posting on my wall trying to get everyone to text me Happy birthday whether they know my number or not.. Also a day early to give people a chance to read the post. Very devilshly sweet of her as well.

Now e-mail me telling me of your week! I wanna know!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. Its not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsiously give other people the right to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."- Timo Cruz from Coach Carter

~Just a thought

Ace

Ace and I dated for two and half years. First and only woman so far that I've dated AND moved in with. She has affected my life probably more than I realize. But I will try to get in out in a few paragraphs below.

The one BIG thing she's taught me is to take chances. I've always had self esteem and confidence, but I also always played it safe. Meeting new people and hanging out with new people just wasn't a HUGE thing for me. After all, my best friends I've still had since 3rd, 4th, 8th, and 9th grades (Daniel, Gary, Will, Jaime and Isaac.) If she wanted to go out, and it wasn't one of MY friends, I didn't really want to go. Scratch that, I DIDN'T want to go. They were her friends, but that's what I saw them as, HER friends. For the first half of our relationship, when we went and hung out with friends, the other went their own little way. Ace did not often (if ever) hang out when Daniel or Gary came over. And I know I wasn't all that uppity about hanging out with her friends. I didn't mind them, and always had fun when they came to OUR house, but going out? Pfft, who'd wanna do that?

Speaking of Chances, lemme tell you about Linux... I don't really know how to start. Well, in lamest terms, he is my dog. But I love him to death. Closest pet I've ever had. He has changed my life for the better in SO many ways it is unbelievable.. His post comes later. BUT him coming up in this post has merit too.

Ace named Linux and convinced me to get him. Without Ace, I would NOT have the dogs I have today.

Ace's sister and former fiancé fostered dogs for a long time. They fostered pregnant bitches (used in the proper scientific term!) until they gave birth, and after 8 weeks turned them back into the Humane Society. The reason they foster the dogs is because the Humane Society's primary job is to cut down on the over population of dogs. They would abort or put to sleep the puppies to make sure they didn't take the extra food or something. Anyway, again, not what the post is about.

Linux's mother, Izzy, is a beautiful white husky with one blue eye and one brown. She gave birth to 5 dogs. Two white, two black, and Linux, a white one with black spots. Now, for those who don't know yet, I love Husky’s and Malamutes. I think they are such beautiful dogs and at that time I always imagined me with a Husky and a German Sheppard. Nice, big, noble dogs. Well, Ace thought here is my opportunity to have one!

After some convincing and having her purposely put him in my arms and play with him, I finally chose to adopt him. The MOMENT they delivered Izzy and the puppies back to the Humane Society I was at the front desk paying $80 for a dog that I knew not how to train in a two bedroom apartment that already hosted one other dog that I could barely afford / had time to take care of. It was a stupid decision and a chance I would get attached to a dog that I couldn't take care of...  It is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

Along the same route, I don't think I would have the job I have without her. I don’t remember if I made the final decision, or if she made it for me. But, without her, I would have not been able to process my decision on starting this new job. In case you friends don't know the decision I had to make, I'll give you a quick rundown:

I worked at Dish Network for two years as an Advanced Technical Support Representative. I was hired on as one (very few were) and was paid a shit ton for doing the job well. On average I took about 50 calls a day and my average time per call was around 8-10 minutes. I knew what I was doing, how to fix it, IF I could fix it, and I knew every which way to talk to customers. I was the golden boy at it. The issue was, back-to-back-to-back-to-back calls REALLY took a tole on my stress, Worked 6 days a week usually with school, and the very BEST day were days I was leaving just grumpy, not pissed. BUT, really good money, paid for everything and more and free TV. They wanted to make me a supervisor. Pay raise, first supervisor position I've ever had, and no more phone calls...

Then OneNeck came a-calling. It's a support center job, 3rd shift (which I wasn't looking forward to), start back down at the bottom, no supervisor position, and a pay cut from what I was making as an ATSR. Which should I take? I went back and forth numerous times. Golden boy at Dish with that shiny yellow lanyard? Or start over, hope for less stress and MAYBE some opportunities that come my way? Which would you have done? Honestly?

I remember lying on the floor with my feet on the couch just talking to her, going over bills and just seeing if we could survive with what I would make. We'd have to get rid of DISH, since that would've been an extra ~$70 a month that we would have added and we talked about trying to lower our plans on our phones, etc. Just changes, LOTS of changes that I, as I said before, wasn't a big fan of.
Eventually she just told me to go for it. She said that she could see it in my eyes that I wanted out of Dish, and that this was a solid opportunity. So I did.

Also one of the best decisions I have ever made. I absolutely LOVE my job, I can still live super comfortable, I have opportunities here that are available and come my way. I thoroughly enjoy 3rd shift and have made several friends along the way.

The final thing she changed in me was my values. I always valued friends, family, God (to an extent) and doing the right thing. However, I put a high value on money and objects as well. Furniture’s, computers, pots and pans, you name it. If it was mine, it was MINE. It was mine and unless it broke, I didn't want to give it up. She talked about just selling everything and getting in our car and driving till the car broke down and that's where we'd live. An adventure. I couldn't do it. We would argue about the hypothetical situation of selling my things and I would get upset.
WHY would I sell the entertainment center?
WHY would I EVER get rid of my couch? It's suede and comfortable.
WHY would I move? My friends and family are here!

The argument was ridiculous but I would get up in arms about it. It wasn't until MUCH later that I put the value of my things in its proper place. They are replaceable and should not be valued by anything more than the price tag I paid for them.

I am happy to say when I moved out of my house, I got rid of my three couches, my kitchen table, pots and pans, loads of towels, an old entertainment center, a dresser, and numerous other things. And I am comfortable in knowing I could get rid of everything in my room no problem if the situation called for it.

....So, if you ever ask me about Ace.. I will probably tell a crazy ex story, because those are funnier and I dig sympathy points. Thanks to her, though, I have a job I love, a pair of dogs I love even more, and my stress level is 0 to 1 on a scale to 100.

Thank you Ace.

"A rich person is not someone who has the most, but who needs the least." - The Interview with God.

~Just a thought

Today I don't feel like doing anything... I just wanna lay in my bed..

So.. Small hiatus from my blog it seems... It's not like I don't know WHAT to write, I just don't know how I am supposed to start it or which one to start first. Instead of continuing on who and what has made me ME through my life, here is another Musing from a Big Friendly Giant. This week has probably been the best week of this year. Sunday and Monday weren't anything special that I recall. More or less just preparing for what followed after. NOW please understand I work third shift, so sleep throughout the day is needed.

My great friend Brenda and I decided to have a late breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. We had planned for 11, so after work I head home and do some needfuls. Then I get my hat on and go. I get there just before 11. Brenda ended up running a little late (not her fault) and got there around noon if my memory suits me right. We had an absolute blast. I got lunch, a chicken sandwich off the healthy menu, and she got some type of breakfast.. An egg sammich I think. We talked about a lot of different things, caught up mostly. I got to learn about her schooling and her plans for her future, she admits that she just wishes she could wake up late every day and wake up to watching Saturday morning cartoons.. Which I think is genius.

I get home about 2:20 and lay down. I need to make sure I get up to work out with Jake. I text Jake if we can postpone workout till 6, he replies that that's fine. I pass out. I wake up at 6 on the dot, text Jake that I'm running late but on my way. I get my work out clothes on and head out the door. I get there and Jake is sittin waitin and we work out. HARD. Even though our workout is individual, we still find ways to push each other. He turns on P90X and we start the ab workout routine. It gets to the final workout and he turns to me wiping sweat off his brow, "We're doing this work out, ALL the way through!" And we did. It felt amazing. Admittedly, the host of the movie pushes you to do 10 more, which I couldn't do, but I did the initial 40.Afterwards we hung out until his girlfriend Janet got home and we grabbed Chipotle. Now, for those who are about to spam my e-mail and/or comments.. I don't count Chipotle fast food. It's restaurant to me, similar to subway. We eat and have a great time. Tired, I roll to work.Wednesday comes around, and I head home and get to bed about 9, I wake up at 11am, and pick my friend Marjie up for lunch at noon! We head to Garcia's. She had never been there before, much to my astonishment, and I help her order. She absolutely LOVED the tortilla soup she asked for. Later she posted a status on FB saying she's making more and hopes it tastes like the one she had. :p I had a build your own combo of a Shredded beef burrito, Cheese enchilada, and sour cream enchilada. I only ate the last two and put the burrito, rice, and beans into a to-go container. Another great time with another great friend who I hadn't seen since Christmas.

I head home, shower, shave (the needfuls), and then lay down and get about another 2 and a half hours of sleep, I wake up and meet my friend Tiffany (who is moving to South Korea!!) for dinner. Now, the thing about Tiffany, is that her choices of food is peculiar. The reason is because she is a vegetarian and the farther away you get from the US coast, the further you get from needing beef, pork, or chicken in every meal. She chooses a Vietnamese place that I show up to. The place she chose to go happened to be closed on Wednesday's and ONLY Wednesdays. So she decides for this Greek restaurant down the road. I drive us there and we go and order some food. As we order this girl is giving me a looky-loo. Made me feel special for a moment, only until I realize its an old friend from high school named Christina! We both knew who she was, she sat down with us waiting for our food, and then joined us when our food came out and we all had a great time catching up and apologizing for maybe (or maybe not) removing each other from Facebook. After all, we (Tiffany and I) hadn't spoken to Christina in a number of years. To all of our benefits, we all were still friends on facebook. That night it also rained, a LOT, and I got to play in it some. Twas a lot of fun. Then I head to work.

Thursday I am supposed to go jogging with Jake at 8am-9am, and then work out with Isaac around 2pm. Because of the rain the night before, the morning is a chilling 86 degrees outside. I keep telling myself all I need to do is get to Jake's, get to Jake's and jog, blood will circulate, I can DO this.. I ended up texting Jake and canceling, I was way too tired from the past events and lack of sleep. Jake understood.

I wake up ~1:30PM, get up quickly (because of my date with Isaac), and shower. I get my shorts on, shoes, backwards hat, the whole shabang, and text Isaac around 1:45pm. No response. I text again.. Nadda. So I get on my computer and waste the day mostly away.. Around 6pm, I get hungry, and wanting to salvage the day I start texting friends. 6:30 rolls around, I get a text from Isaac saying "Good morning." Naturally, I asked him what the heck happened, and I guess he just needed sleep, sleeping over 12 hours.

My buddy Aaron invites me out to Native New Yorker with my our buddy Joe and some girls Joe is bringin along. I chose to attend said event.I had a few beers, had some AMAZING calzone's, and one of the girls was beautiful! I talked to her for some time, we flirt, joke, laugh, Aaron pulls me aside saying that he KNOWS I'm better looking, but to PLEASE let him flirt with the girl and to me to back off. I didn't really notice I was doing anything out of the ordinary, but Aaron noticed it, and he wasn't pleased :p. See, I didn't really mention that there was Joe and Aaron, then Jess and Allison, then Aaron invited me. So I was kinda sorta stepping in his territory (metaphorically speaking.) Anyway, he played the friend card and so I stopped being talkative (there is more to the story that's none of MY business, let alone yours, so don't be mad at Aaron.) But it was SO much fun catching up and talking with Joe. Him and I used to be close at Dish and we walked around the building twice a day for about a year and a half just talking. GREAT seeing him again.

Friday, my friend Ace treated me to a date and took me to F1 Raceway factory. Go-Kart racing is a lot of fun for those who haven't tried it, though a lit-tle on the pricey side. We did two races, ~28 laps I think. I got my ass handed to me and got last both times I think, but had a ton of fun anyway. We were gonna go see a movie, but decided against it, we were both tired from the day.

That night, though, my sister invited me out to go get a beer and catch up. I chose to go of course, and we had a couple beers and had a good time looking at people, judging them (only a little) and learned the Cupid Shuffle!! For those who don't know the cupid shuffle, you should learn, its easy and fun to do. So we do the Cupid Shuffle, we had home and grab two beers from the fridge. She goes to the computer and turns on the Youtube video bound and determined to master this easy line dance. We do it repeatedly till we get it down. I turned in to sleep on the couch (since I had been drinking) at my dads shortly after.

Saturday my friend Becka was getting out of the hospital after a nasty fall. I drive up to Thunderbird Banner and visited her, she's groggy and still dizzy (from both her fall and meds). We hang out in her hospital room until her discharge papers are filed. The hospital asked me if I could chauffeur her out. Though I wasn't planning on staying long, I happily accept. I wheelchair her out to my car. She gets in. We start talking and she thanks me for my help and for her chocolate that I got her (instead of flowers in which she asked for.) She said she was really hungry and craving something unhealthy (she'd been at the hospital for a week) and her one rule was, was that it needed a drive thru. We settled on Burger King (I KNOW FAST FOOD!!) and I *did* cheat on my diet. She is weird, like the rest of the women population, and didn't want to eat alone. We eat at her apartment and pack some of her stuff up, during her full recovery process she's staying with her parents. Now, she's a girl who I had a fantastic time taking out on dates, and we got to talk about that, what we saw in each other and how we felt about each other. Even though I think she is good looking and she finds me attractive we settled on just being friends. We kinda figured that one of the reasons we had such a great first two dates was because it was like hanging out with a best friend. Though a part of me is a little sad, I think i would much rather be a friend to her too.

Saturday night I go and hanging out at my dad's again, sans beer, and chill with my brothers. We played the board game Settlers of Catan. Ladies and Gents, if you haven't played it before you NEED to play this game. It is a blast! It is the only game I know that has properly accomplished some type of expansion sets with their board game. Look it up, Swear to you, TONS of expansions. We currently have the base set, and Cities and Knights. We played one round of Cities and Knights (after getting a hang of the basic) and it felt like a full new game and it was Just as fun. Highly recommended.

Sunday (Today) I was supposed to go to a baseball game, which I turned down to needing sleep for work tonight. I kinda wish I went, but I was productive today and it felt good to do a little work around my desk and the dishes. Furthermore, I used more and more of my fruit, which I bought in basically bulk, that is now going bad. This evening my buddy Mike from OneNeck texted me inviting me out to Tilted Kilt. I went and had a great time listening to Karaoke and I ate a good sub. The best part, for me, is when the song for "Cupid Shuffle" came on and a bunch of people went up and started doing it. Being the expert I am now, went up there and strutted my stuff!

To put the Cherry on top of this full and lovable week, I got a compliment from a very attractive girl (Woman? Lady? She's 20) that boosted my Ego. Lastly, it is August, the month where god said the best of the best will be born. it's my best friend's Daniel's birthday today, my sister's on Friday, and mine next Tuesday. I have plans Thursday (Lunch with TONS of friends), Friday night (with my sister) and Saturday night (Daniel) of next week. Who wants to do something Wednesday?

EDIT: I have a dentist appointment Wednesday.. Tooth ache that needs to be stopped.

"The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind." - Dr Wayne W Dyer

~Just a thought

Carolanne

Carolanne, strange to be typing her name. I dunno why really, I think its because I still have a bit of a crush on her. I still *like* her I guess. I don't think she effected my life as some of my other exes, but she is worth mentioning because she is "the one that got away."

Carolanne was not my first girlfriend, or first kiss. She was the first of MANY girls who lived ridiculously far away though.

She lived off of 7th St and McDowell, if I tried hard enough I *think* I could find her old house again (she's since then moved). I know that 7th St and McDowell isn't terribly far, but when you are 14 and rely on parents for rides, anything ON the freeway is "far".

The strange thing about our relationship, is that our parents trusted us. The ONLY rule that was at her parent's house was that we couldn't be in her room with the door closed (for obvious reasons), but we would hang out in the living room all night, past her family going to bed. More often than not her dad would be at work and her mom would go over to her parents hosue leaving us home alone. We'd watch movies and she'd fall asleep on my chest and then I, in turn, would doze.

Something happened in her life that I don't dare repeat that caused her to break up with me. When we got reacquainted she then told me what happened, a dreadful, horrible thing that is actually ONE of the reasons I stopped believing in God for some time.

I feel lucky to be blessed with friends that I listened to when I was in high school. I remember sitting at a computer desk one night, two girls had a crush on me at the same time, BOTH wanted to be my girlfriend (ego boost), and both I liked back. The issue was, however, was that one was Carolanne, an ex, and she had broken up with me before. Thankfully, Isaac pointed that out, and I ended up choosing Didi.

But anyway, we stayed friends, and we stayed in contact throughout high school. We hung out rarely (lived in different cities after all) but every time there was a connection between us. I went over one day and stayed up through the entire night hanging out with her, Didi and I were having one of those "breaks" where she got mad and broke up with me for the evening, so hanging out with her was really nice, the connection without the fighting was nice. ANYWAY, Her, her mom, and myself stayed up till about 5am playing cards, and her mom made us all turn in for the night/morning. I slept on their couch and they went upstairs. We all got up at 9am when her mom had to leave. Carolanne texted me saying to leave and then come back after her mom left. So I did.

I parked a little far away and watched her mom drive from their apartment complex and I came back. We hung out for a little, just the two of us, she said she really did need sleep as she had work at noon. So, we both went upstairs, hands clasped, and fell asleep. That's the last time I got to hang out with Carolanne.

See, the thing about us growing up together (ish) and becoming sexually active on one of our hiatuses, our conversations were open and we could easily talk about sex. We talked about it a lot (most of our conversations were via phone due to distance) and we talked about what would've happened / what would happen if we ever had sex. After one of those nights, she called me the next day and said she had had a dream where me, her, and Didi all had a threesome. I enjoyed the thought, but brushed it off, after all it was an ex with my girlfriend, what girlfriend would do that? However, Didi was broke through my birthday, and she said that she would like a threesome for my birthday (every guys fantasy), and she thought what I would really like is to have Carolanne be with us (every guys wet dream [yes, you know its true]). Since Carolanne and I talked about it casually a couple days prior, I thought I had this in the bag. (Don't judge! I had just graduated high school!)

I asked Carolanne about it the next time we talked, and she declined, I pressed, but she still declined, saying that that would be weird for her. So I said ok and left it at that. She was a good friend after all.
I tried calling her the following week, her mom picked up and said she was working, I left a message and requested she call back. I waited another week, called, and again, she was busy, so I left another message.
A few days later after that second phone call, I had a Myspace message from a gentleman I had never met. Turns out it was a 26 year old who happend to be Carolanne's boyfriend.

The message read that Carolanne didn't want to speak to me ever again after my ridiculous thought of a threesome with my girlfriend and her. And that her and her mom agree that if I continue to try and contact her, they will file a restraining order.

I messaged him back saying I guess he didn't know the full story, but I'll do as he, and they, wish. So I deleted her number. He replied, but one not really worth mentioning.

Now, I dunno if its because her and I always talked and were open, or that we never had sex, or that she was the first REAL girlfriend I had had, or the way everything just stopped, but I miss her, terribly.

I think about her more than I'd ever really admit, but not in a depressing sort of way, just a funny, it'd be nice to get acquainted again sort of way.

It's been several years since we've talked, again, last time we saw each other I was still on and off with Didi, which was back in 07-08. But there isn't a week that goes by that I think to myself, "I wonder how she's doin'."

"It's life's inconsistencies that make life worthwhile, so don't dwell on sudden changes that may have happened, you might miss an open door."-Brandon M. Hoffman.

~Just a thought.

My light will shine in the dark.

Therapeutic post, Take 2.

I got my groove back. My motivation. It's burning within me again. I wish I could thank a friend like Josh Morris, or Gary Williams (if you haven't seen these two people's before and after pictures, OMG!) but it wasn't them. It was, the one and only, Captain America. More so, a mixture of Dylan, Jeremy, a few girls, and Captain America.

Several days ago, when the siblings and myself were hanging out at my mom's house, a commercial for Captain America came on. We watched it, Dylan and I giggled just counting down the clock to when the movie would premier and we could watch the film. The scene where he comes out of that machine shows him ripped. If you haven't seen this scene yet you live under a rock..

Anyway, the dudes in shape, CRAZY in shape. My heart both drops because I don't look like that, but beats slightly faster because of the envy I have towards him. The want to look like him just stirs in me. I happened to say out loud, "Man I wish I could look like him."

Jeremy, being a realist, goes, "That's difficult to do, you gotta realize they pay him to train probably 8 hours a day between shoots and give him all of the perks to do so."

I had to agree, after all, I saw that man in the Fantastic Four, he was thin then.

Once again my heart drops, Jeremy's comment just makes that goal my envy self made that much farther from reaching.

Fast forward about two weeks. I'm sitting at my desk at work, twiddling my thumbs or playing on Facebook, when Dylan sends me a text, "In line to see the midnight premier of Cap'." I groan and tell my co-workers, they groan with me. Anyway, I tell Dylan to have fun and leave it at that.

A couple of hours later, Dylan texts me again, "Awesome movie! Movie makes me want to be a super hero!" Now, for those who read the previous posts, Dylan's logical, very logical. Something like this text really set me aback, because he just doesn't think like that. How GOOD could this movie be to make him fantasize about heroism?

After work (the next day), I meet up with my friend Ace and we see the 8:05AM movie of Captain America at AMC. That same scene of when the Cap comes out of his transformation ripped and ready for action, Ace whispers to me, "he's really hot." and later says it again, that its hot that you can see his abs through his white shirt.

A few days later I see a movie with another friend. She says the same. Exact. Thing. Almost exact anyway, close enough it caught me off guard.

That same day, after I saw the movie, I saw that same scene on a commercial, and instead of being envious, my brain went competitive. 

Why couldn't I look like that? Why CAN'T that be my goal? Sure I would have to do more proper planning, more work out, and better dieting, and that's a far off goal, but that can STILL be my goal.

I can show Jeremy that I can do that, despite the trainers and free nutrition the actor received.

If Dylan can be inspired to fantasize about the what-if of being a super hero? Why couldn't I take that a step further and try to look like him?

And I want to be attractive in that way towards women. I mean, don't get me wrong, my self esteem is through the roof, but that instant "I want you now" look is just something unavailable to most guys, (damn those accents.) 

There was one last thing.. I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight loss edition (FANTASTIC SHOW btw) to try to help motivate me. The quick rundown, its about obese people getting into shape. Now I'm not Obese, but, at the same time, my goal isn't to necessarily lose weight, just gain the right weight.

One of the guys on the show said, "I get knocked down and I just got right back up, every time I failed just made me want to succeed more."

And that really got me going... I know I have failed at nutrition and exercise multiple times. But I had succeeded once, and I can succeed again. I am not going to let my past failures bother me anymore, I am going to use them as fuel to make me succeed this time.

I'm taking a small hiatus from Arizona and visiting a friend in Oklahoma for a few days. When I get back, I get serious. I will have just gotten paid, its the month of my birthday, and its a starting point. A solid fond farewell to fast food and junk food. 

I have chosen to start another blog strictly for weight/workout related things. I will leave the link at the bottom, but its to document my progress, keep me on track, and allow friends and family to keep tabs on me. You don't need to follow it as I will probably post one-three times a day (I'm hoping). Any crazy posts will probably be documented here as well anyway.

I will probably post something next Tuesday, till then I'm out

"My light will shine in the dark, while yours will dim in weakness as my wings take flight before your eyes!!" - Brenda's favorite quote. (Original source: Unknown)

~Just a thought.


EDIT: www.projectme-shepsus.blogspot.com is the workout blog, for those interested.

Linda Pierce

Mrs. Pierce.. My 5th grade teacher. I can almost remember every student in that class.. Almost. It was by far my favorite year of elementary school, and I love Mrs. Pierce like you would a grandmother. She is one person my buddy Daniel and I wanted to introduce to all of our friends. She has always been so proud of us and she has literally watched us grow up since before teen years.

I remember a time when Daniel and I were trying to come up with words, make them up and give them meaning. Daniel came up with feezshes. It was short, clever, and it was OURS! We used it for anything, far better than cussing (which we didn't do at the time) and it was amusing to us. Daniel ended up using it in class one day and Mrs. Pierce freaked out! He appeared to be in trouble and we didn't know why, after all it was our word, right? Well, when she understood that we REALLY didn't mean anything by it, she grabbed a dictionary and showed us the definition of "feces" which at that time neither of us really knew the word... Needless to say, we were embarrassed and stopped using the word.

The other thing she stressed was cursive. Always cursive. To this day I still impress people because that's how I write when I have a pen. I just find it neater, smoother, and all around nicer looking. It is scary to say that some people can't read my hand writing because it is in cursive..

While she worked at Knox elementary Daniel and I would visit her from time to time. We ended up becoming known to quite a few of the teachers there. Half because we talked to them with Mrs. Pierce and had had them as teachers, and, well, when you see a couple of older teenagers struttin' their stuff right after an elementary school lets out, some teachers aren't comfortable.

Needless to say, it came to the point to where we knew the staff IN the office, and all of the teachers  in Mrs. Pierces building. There was a time Daniel and I had a half day in high school, so we went DURING class at Knox. We received guest passes ONLY cause we knew the front desk lady, she called Mrs. Pierce and let her know we were coming. We ended up helping out throughout the class, and ended up playing basketball with them during recess. It was a ton of fun, but some of the staff were uncomfortable with it and we weren't allowed to do it again.

Every time we are there, she asks about my and Daniel's family's, she knows both our older siblings and younger. She used to ask how my dad was doing during my parents divorce, and about Dylan, seeing as how he was the youngest at the time during my parents divorce.

She was the person to make me fall in love with the Phantom of the Opera story. I have read the book, seen the silent black and white movie, the old school remake, and the newest one because of her.

I have both her house number and cell number saved in my phone, and I know she has mine. We were supposed to do lunch, the three of us, about a year ago, but we never got around to doing it. I guess I should give her a call.

"Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Lead me, save me from my solitude. Say you want me with you here, beside you. Anywhere you go let me go too. Christine, that's all I ask of you."
-The Phantom in Phantom of the Opera

~Just a thought