Today I don't feel like doing anything... I just wanna lay in my bed..

So.. Small hiatus from my blog it seems... It's not like I don't know WHAT to write, I just don't know how I am supposed to start it or which one to start first. Instead of continuing on who and what has made me ME through my life, here is another Musing from a Big Friendly Giant. This week has probably been the best week of this year. Sunday and Monday weren't anything special that I recall. More or less just preparing for what followed after. NOW please understand I work third shift, so sleep throughout the day is needed.

My great friend Brenda and I decided to have a late breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. We had planned for 11, so after work I head home and do some needfuls. Then I get my hat on and go. I get there just before 11. Brenda ended up running a little late (not her fault) and got there around noon if my memory suits me right. We had an absolute blast. I got lunch, a chicken sandwich off the healthy menu, and she got some type of breakfast.. An egg sammich I think. We talked about a lot of different things, caught up mostly. I got to learn about her schooling and her plans for her future, she admits that she just wishes she could wake up late every day and wake up to watching Saturday morning cartoons.. Which I think is genius.

I get home about 2:20 and lay down. I need to make sure I get up to work out with Jake. I text Jake if we can postpone workout till 6, he replies that that's fine. I pass out. I wake up at 6 on the dot, text Jake that I'm running late but on my way. I get my work out clothes on and head out the door. I get there and Jake is sittin waitin and we work out. HARD. Even though our workout is individual, we still find ways to push each other. He turns on P90X and we start the ab workout routine. It gets to the final workout and he turns to me wiping sweat off his brow, "We're doing this work out, ALL the way through!" And we did. It felt amazing. Admittedly, the host of the movie pushes you to do 10 more, which I couldn't do, but I did the initial 40.Afterwards we hung out until his girlfriend Janet got home and we grabbed Chipotle. Now, for those who are about to spam my e-mail and/or comments.. I don't count Chipotle fast food. It's restaurant to me, similar to subway. We eat and have a great time. Tired, I roll to work.Wednesday comes around, and I head home and get to bed about 9, I wake up at 11am, and pick my friend Marjie up for lunch at noon! We head to Garcia's. She had never been there before, much to my astonishment, and I help her order. She absolutely LOVED the tortilla soup she asked for. Later she posted a status on FB saying she's making more and hopes it tastes like the one she had. :p I had a build your own combo of a Shredded beef burrito, Cheese enchilada, and sour cream enchilada. I only ate the last two and put the burrito, rice, and beans into a to-go container. Another great time with another great friend who I hadn't seen since Christmas.

I head home, shower, shave (the needfuls), and then lay down and get about another 2 and a half hours of sleep, I wake up and meet my friend Tiffany (who is moving to South Korea!!) for dinner. Now, the thing about Tiffany, is that her choices of food is peculiar. The reason is because she is a vegetarian and the farther away you get from the US coast, the further you get from needing beef, pork, or chicken in every meal. She chooses a Vietnamese place that I show up to. The place she chose to go happened to be closed on Wednesday's and ONLY Wednesdays. So she decides for this Greek restaurant down the road. I drive us there and we go and order some food. As we order this girl is giving me a looky-loo. Made me feel special for a moment, only until I realize its an old friend from high school named Christina! We both knew who she was, she sat down with us waiting for our food, and then joined us when our food came out and we all had a great time catching up and apologizing for maybe (or maybe not) removing each other from Facebook. After all, we (Tiffany and I) hadn't spoken to Christina in a number of years. To all of our benefits, we all were still friends on facebook. That night it also rained, a LOT, and I got to play in it some. Twas a lot of fun. Then I head to work.

Thursday I am supposed to go jogging with Jake at 8am-9am, and then work out with Isaac around 2pm. Because of the rain the night before, the morning is a chilling 86 degrees outside. I keep telling myself all I need to do is get to Jake's, get to Jake's and jog, blood will circulate, I can DO this.. I ended up texting Jake and canceling, I was way too tired from the past events and lack of sleep. Jake understood.

I wake up ~1:30PM, get up quickly (because of my date with Isaac), and shower. I get my shorts on, shoes, backwards hat, the whole shabang, and text Isaac around 1:45pm. No response. I text again.. Nadda. So I get on my computer and waste the day mostly away.. Around 6pm, I get hungry, and wanting to salvage the day I start texting friends. 6:30 rolls around, I get a text from Isaac saying "Good morning." Naturally, I asked him what the heck happened, and I guess he just needed sleep, sleeping over 12 hours.

My buddy Aaron invites me out to Native New Yorker with my our buddy Joe and some girls Joe is bringin along. I chose to attend said event.I had a few beers, had some AMAZING calzone's, and one of the girls was beautiful! I talked to her for some time, we flirt, joke, laugh, Aaron pulls me aside saying that he KNOWS I'm better looking, but to PLEASE let him flirt with the girl and to me to back off. I didn't really notice I was doing anything out of the ordinary, but Aaron noticed it, and he wasn't pleased :p. See, I didn't really mention that there was Joe and Aaron, then Jess and Allison, then Aaron invited me. So I was kinda sorta stepping in his territory (metaphorically speaking.) Anyway, he played the friend card and so I stopped being talkative (there is more to the story that's none of MY business, let alone yours, so don't be mad at Aaron.) But it was SO much fun catching up and talking with Joe. Him and I used to be close at Dish and we walked around the building twice a day for about a year and a half just talking. GREAT seeing him again.

Friday, my friend Ace treated me to a date and took me to F1 Raceway factory. Go-Kart racing is a lot of fun for those who haven't tried it, though a lit-tle on the pricey side. We did two races, ~28 laps I think. I got my ass handed to me and got last both times I think, but had a ton of fun anyway. We were gonna go see a movie, but decided against it, we were both tired from the day.

That night, though, my sister invited me out to go get a beer and catch up. I chose to go of course, and we had a couple beers and had a good time looking at people, judging them (only a little) and learned the Cupid Shuffle!! For those who don't know the cupid shuffle, you should learn, its easy and fun to do. So we do the Cupid Shuffle, we had home and grab two beers from the fridge. She goes to the computer and turns on the Youtube video bound and determined to master this easy line dance. We do it repeatedly till we get it down. I turned in to sleep on the couch (since I had been drinking) at my dads shortly after.

Saturday my friend Becka was getting out of the hospital after a nasty fall. I drive up to Thunderbird Banner and visited her, she's groggy and still dizzy (from both her fall and meds). We hang out in her hospital room until her discharge papers are filed. The hospital asked me if I could chauffeur her out. Though I wasn't planning on staying long, I happily accept. I wheelchair her out to my car. She gets in. We start talking and she thanks me for my help and for her chocolate that I got her (instead of flowers in which she asked for.) She said she was really hungry and craving something unhealthy (she'd been at the hospital for a week) and her one rule was, was that it needed a drive thru. We settled on Burger King (I KNOW FAST FOOD!!) and I *did* cheat on my diet. She is weird, like the rest of the women population, and didn't want to eat alone. We eat at her apartment and pack some of her stuff up, during her full recovery process she's staying with her parents. Now, she's a girl who I had a fantastic time taking out on dates, and we got to talk about that, what we saw in each other and how we felt about each other. Even though I think she is good looking and she finds me attractive we settled on just being friends. We kinda figured that one of the reasons we had such a great first two dates was because it was like hanging out with a best friend. Though a part of me is a little sad, I think i would much rather be a friend to her too.

Saturday night I go and hanging out at my dad's again, sans beer, and chill with my brothers. We played the board game Settlers of Catan. Ladies and Gents, if you haven't played it before you NEED to play this game. It is a blast! It is the only game I know that has properly accomplished some type of expansion sets with their board game. Look it up, Swear to you, TONS of expansions. We currently have the base set, and Cities and Knights. We played one round of Cities and Knights (after getting a hang of the basic) and it felt like a full new game and it was Just as fun. Highly recommended.

Sunday (Today) I was supposed to go to a baseball game, which I turned down to needing sleep for work tonight. I kinda wish I went, but I was productive today and it felt good to do a little work around my desk and the dishes. Furthermore, I used more and more of my fruit, which I bought in basically bulk, that is now going bad. This evening my buddy Mike from OneNeck texted me inviting me out to Tilted Kilt. I went and had a great time listening to Karaoke and I ate a good sub. The best part, for me, is when the song for "Cupid Shuffle" came on and a bunch of people went up and started doing it. Being the expert I am now, went up there and strutted my stuff!

To put the Cherry on top of this full and lovable week, I got a compliment from a very attractive girl (Woman? Lady? She's 20) that boosted my Ego. Lastly, it is August, the month where god said the best of the best will be born. it's my best friend's Daniel's birthday today, my sister's on Friday, and mine next Tuesday. I have plans Thursday (Lunch with TONS of friends), Friday night (with my sister) and Saturday night (Daniel) of next week. Who wants to do something Wednesday?

EDIT: I have a dentist appointment Wednesday.. Tooth ache that needs to be stopped.

"The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind." - Dr Wayne W Dyer

~Just a thought

Carolanne

Carolanne, strange to be typing her name. I dunno why really, I think its because I still have a bit of a crush on her. I still *like* her I guess. I don't think she effected my life as some of my other exes, but she is worth mentioning because she is "the one that got away."

Carolanne was not my first girlfriend, or first kiss. She was the first of MANY girls who lived ridiculously far away though.

She lived off of 7th St and McDowell, if I tried hard enough I *think* I could find her old house again (she's since then moved). I know that 7th St and McDowell isn't terribly far, but when you are 14 and rely on parents for rides, anything ON the freeway is "far".

The strange thing about our relationship, is that our parents trusted us. The ONLY rule that was at her parent's house was that we couldn't be in her room with the door closed (for obvious reasons), but we would hang out in the living room all night, past her family going to bed. More often than not her dad would be at work and her mom would go over to her parents hosue leaving us home alone. We'd watch movies and she'd fall asleep on my chest and then I, in turn, would doze.

Something happened in her life that I don't dare repeat that caused her to break up with me. When we got reacquainted she then told me what happened, a dreadful, horrible thing that is actually ONE of the reasons I stopped believing in God for some time.

I feel lucky to be blessed with friends that I listened to when I was in high school. I remember sitting at a computer desk one night, two girls had a crush on me at the same time, BOTH wanted to be my girlfriend (ego boost), and both I liked back. The issue was, however, was that one was Carolanne, an ex, and she had broken up with me before. Thankfully, Isaac pointed that out, and I ended up choosing Didi.

But anyway, we stayed friends, and we stayed in contact throughout high school. We hung out rarely (lived in different cities after all) but every time there was a connection between us. I went over one day and stayed up through the entire night hanging out with her, Didi and I were having one of those "breaks" where she got mad and broke up with me for the evening, so hanging out with her was really nice, the connection without the fighting was nice. ANYWAY, Her, her mom, and myself stayed up till about 5am playing cards, and her mom made us all turn in for the night/morning. I slept on their couch and they went upstairs. We all got up at 9am when her mom had to leave. Carolanne texted me saying to leave and then come back after her mom left. So I did.

I parked a little far away and watched her mom drive from their apartment complex and I came back. We hung out for a little, just the two of us, she said she really did need sleep as she had work at noon. So, we both went upstairs, hands clasped, and fell asleep. That's the last time I got to hang out with Carolanne.

See, the thing about us growing up together (ish) and becoming sexually active on one of our hiatuses, our conversations were open and we could easily talk about sex. We talked about it a lot (most of our conversations were via phone due to distance) and we talked about what would've happened / what would happen if we ever had sex. After one of those nights, she called me the next day and said she had had a dream where me, her, and Didi all had a threesome. I enjoyed the thought, but brushed it off, after all it was an ex with my girlfriend, what girlfriend would do that? However, Didi was broke through my birthday, and she said that she would like a threesome for my birthday (every guys fantasy), and she thought what I would really like is to have Carolanne be with us (every guys wet dream [yes, you know its true]). Since Carolanne and I talked about it casually a couple days prior, I thought I had this in the bag. (Don't judge! I had just graduated high school!)

I asked Carolanne about it the next time we talked, and she declined, I pressed, but she still declined, saying that that would be weird for her. So I said ok and left it at that. She was a good friend after all.
I tried calling her the following week, her mom picked up and said she was working, I left a message and requested she call back. I waited another week, called, and again, she was busy, so I left another message.
A few days later after that second phone call, I had a Myspace message from a gentleman I had never met. Turns out it was a 26 year old who happend to be Carolanne's boyfriend.

The message read that Carolanne didn't want to speak to me ever again after my ridiculous thought of a threesome with my girlfriend and her. And that her and her mom agree that if I continue to try and contact her, they will file a restraining order.

I messaged him back saying I guess he didn't know the full story, but I'll do as he, and they, wish. So I deleted her number. He replied, but one not really worth mentioning.

Now, I dunno if its because her and I always talked and were open, or that we never had sex, or that she was the first REAL girlfriend I had had, or the way everything just stopped, but I miss her, terribly.

I think about her more than I'd ever really admit, but not in a depressing sort of way, just a funny, it'd be nice to get acquainted again sort of way.

It's been several years since we've talked, again, last time we saw each other I was still on and off with Didi, which was back in 07-08. But there isn't a week that goes by that I think to myself, "I wonder how she's doin'."

"It's life's inconsistencies that make life worthwhile, so don't dwell on sudden changes that may have happened, you might miss an open door."-Brandon M. Hoffman.

~Just a thought.

My light will shine in the dark.

Therapeutic post, Take 2.

I got my groove back. My motivation. It's burning within me again. I wish I could thank a friend like Josh Morris, or Gary Williams (if you haven't seen these two people's before and after pictures, OMG!) but it wasn't them. It was, the one and only, Captain America. More so, a mixture of Dylan, Jeremy, a few girls, and Captain America.

Several days ago, when the siblings and myself were hanging out at my mom's house, a commercial for Captain America came on. We watched it, Dylan and I giggled just counting down the clock to when the movie would premier and we could watch the film. The scene where he comes out of that machine shows him ripped. If you haven't seen this scene yet you live under a rock..

Anyway, the dudes in shape, CRAZY in shape. My heart both drops because I don't look like that, but beats slightly faster because of the envy I have towards him. The want to look like him just stirs in me. I happened to say out loud, "Man I wish I could look like him."

Jeremy, being a realist, goes, "That's difficult to do, you gotta realize they pay him to train probably 8 hours a day between shoots and give him all of the perks to do so."

I had to agree, after all, I saw that man in the Fantastic Four, he was thin then.

Once again my heart drops, Jeremy's comment just makes that goal my envy self made that much farther from reaching.

Fast forward about two weeks. I'm sitting at my desk at work, twiddling my thumbs or playing on Facebook, when Dylan sends me a text, "In line to see the midnight premier of Cap'." I groan and tell my co-workers, they groan with me. Anyway, I tell Dylan to have fun and leave it at that.

A couple of hours later, Dylan texts me again, "Awesome movie! Movie makes me want to be a super hero!" Now, for those who read the previous posts, Dylan's logical, very logical. Something like this text really set me aback, because he just doesn't think like that. How GOOD could this movie be to make him fantasize about heroism?

After work (the next day), I meet up with my friend Ace and we see the 8:05AM movie of Captain America at AMC. That same scene of when the Cap comes out of his transformation ripped and ready for action, Ace whispers to me, "he's really hot." and later says it again, that its hot that you can see his abs through his white shirt.

A few days later I see a movie with another friend. She says the same. Exact. Thing. Almost exact anyway, close enough it caught me off guard.

That same day, after I saw the movie, I saw that same scene on a commercial, and instead of being envious, my brain went competitive. 

Why couldn't I look like that? Why CAN'T that be my goal? Sure I would have to do more proper planning, more work out, and better dieting, and that's a far off goal, but that can STILL be my goal.

I can show Jeremy that I can do that, despite the trainers and free nutrition the actor received.

If Dylan can be inspired to fantasize about the what-if of being a super hero? Why couldn't I take that a step further and try to look like him?

And I want to be attractive in that way towards women. I mean, don't get me wrong, my self esteem is through the roof, but that instant "I want you now" look is just something unavailable to most guys, (damn those accents.) 

There was one last thing.. I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight loss edition (FANTASTIC SHOW btw) to try to help motivate me. The quick rundown, its about obese people getting into shape. Now I'm not Obese, but, at the same time, my goal isn't to necessarily lose weight, just gain the right weight.

One of the guys on the show said, "I get knocked down and I just got right back up, every time I failed just made me want to succeed more."

And that really got me going... I know I have failed at nutrition and exercise multiple times. But I had succeeded once, and I can succeed again. I am not going to let my past failures bother me anymore, I am going to use them as fuel to make me succeed this time.

I'm taking a small hiatus from Arizona and visiting a friend in Oklahoma for a few days. When I get back, I get serious. I will have just gotten paid, its the month of my birthday, and its a starting point. A solid fond farewell to fast food and junk food. 

I have chosen to start another blog strictly for weight/workout related things. I will leave the link at the bottom, but its to document my progress, keep me on track, and allow friends and family to keep tabs on me. You don't need to follow it as I will probably post one-three times a day (I'm hoping). Any crazy posts will probably be documented here as well anyway.

I will probably post something next Tuesday, till then I'm out

"My light will shine in the dark, while yours will dim in weakness as my wings take flight before your eyes!!" - Brenda's favorite quote. (Original source: Unknown)

~Just a thought.


EDIT: www.projectme-shepsus.blogspot.com is the workout blog, for those interested.

Linda Pierce

Mrs. Pierce.. My 5th grade teacher. I can almost remember every student in that class.. Almost. It was by far my favorite year of elementary school, and I love Mrs. Pierce like you would a grandmother. She is one person my buddy Daniel and I wanted to introduce to all of our friends. She has always been so proud of us and she has literally watched us grow up since before teen years.

I remember a time when Daniel and I were trying to come up with words, make them up and give them meaning. Daniel came up with feezshes. It was short, clever, and it was OURS! We used it for anything, far better than cussing (which we didn't do at the time) and it was amusing to us. Daniel ended up using it in class one day and Mrs. Pierce freaked out! He appeared to be in trouble and we didn't know why, after all it was our word, right? Well, when she understood that we REALLY didn't mean anything by it, she grabbed a dictionary and showed us the definition of "feces" which at that time neither of us really knew the word... Needless to say, we were embarrassed and stopped using the word.

The other thing she stressed was cursive. Always cursive. To this day I still impress people because that's how I write when I have a pen. I just find it neater, smoother, and all around nicer looking. It is scary to say that some people can't read my hand writing because it is in cursive..

While she worked at Knox elementary Daniel and I would visit her from time to time. We ended up becoming known to quite a few of the teachers there. Half because we talked to them with Mrs. Pierce and had had them as teachers, and, well, when you see a couple of older teenagers struttin' their stuff right after an elementary school lets out, some teachers aren't comfortable.

Needless to say, it came to the point to where we knew the staff IN the office, and all of the teachers  in Mrs. Pierces building. There was a time Daniel and I had a half day in high school, so we went DURING class at Knox. We received guest passes ONLY cause we knew the front desk lady, she called Mrs. Pierce and let her know we were coming. We ended up helping out throughout the class, and ended up playing basketball with them during recess. It was a ton of fun, but some of the staff were uncomfortable with it and we weren't allowed to do it again.

Every time we are there, she asks about my and Daniel's family's, she knows both our older siblings and younger. She used to ask how my dad was doing during my parents divorce, and about Dylan, seeing as how he was the youngest at the time during my parents divorce.

She was the person to make me fall in love with the Phantom of the Opera story. I have read the book, seen the silent black and white movie, the old school remake, and the newest one because of her.

I have both her house number and cell number saved in my phone, and I know she has mine. We were supposed to do lunch, the three of us, about a year ago, but we never got around to doing it. I guess I should give her a call.

"Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Lead me, save me from my solitude. Say you want me with you here, beside you. Anywhere you go let me go too. Christine, that's all I ask of you."
-The Phantom in Phantom of the Opera

~Just a thought

The musings of a BFG - Big Fr**ndly Giant.

You know that therapeutic-ness that I talk about through my posts? Yeah, its time for one of those. I want to iterate that this isn't a call for help or advice, just typing of things that go through my mind frequently. Very frequently.

I am lazy. I wipe my brow (shame) when I type that. It's just something that I am not proud of. It's a mix of several things of course, but it becomes difficult as to where to begin. To list them as a three pronged thesis statement, it comes down to healthy habits, exercise, and work ethic.

First off, healthy habits. I separate healthy habits and exercise for a reason, but I'll get to that in exercise. My healthy habits aren't habit forming. I try, and try, and try, over and over and over again. I can stay healthy for a week, feel healthier, feel better. But for some reason I get extremely lazy. Fast food is cheaper and quicker, doesn't require any REAL work from me and it fills my belly. I have tried so many times, that most of my friends and family don't go, "Great job!", instead they reply, "How long do you think it'll last this time?" I know they jest, but it really sucks feeling like they don't support my endeavor. And just KNOWING that I can't stick with it. I am at a place in my life where I have been blessed with a lot of time and I'm not constantly broke, why can't I go out to Sprouts and purchase fruit and vegetables a second time? Why don't I have the desire to make my own food, such as smoothies, fruit salads, chicken salads, and salads in general.. Just reading over the list of foods I provided, they are all cold, whereas I prefer hot food. Maybe.. Just MAYBE, that's it? Anyone know of some easy-to-make hot and healthy dishes? Lemme know. But I used to be able to do the healthy thing for a long time, no problem, made all my own food and had no want for fast food cause the food I make tastes better and is better for me.

Second, is exercise. I have the shoes, shorts, protein shake and now the partner.. See, I am really good at making excuses for myself nowadays. For the longest time I chose to not go to the gym because I felt I couldn't be pushed because I didn't have a partner, which is partially true. Thanks to Jake, I have a partner now. For those of you who don't know Jake, he's a very fit police officer. A month ago we chose to partner up, cause we both need motivation. I even told him specifically that if I slack off on a day, keep inviting me, cause I *want* to do this. Very first day he ran me through his workout routine, took an hour, and I could only do a fraction of what he did. My god was I sore, but my god did it feel good. We planned on meeting up two days later (one day for the abs to recover) to go running. Now, I'm not a runner, and I am very intimidated by Jake because he can literally run 8 miles, but I know he's my friend and won't berate me for running a half and needing to slow down. I canceled on him cause my computer broke, that, my friends, is as a legitimate excuse as I can give.
Fast forward to now... We have only worked out on that day where he showed me his work out.. Why? Well, computer, and then he went on vacation for a week.. But the other two weeks? They were me. I overslept on almost all accounts. I *know* I should prioritize working out with Jake, but things always "came up" or I stayed up too late and needed sleep for work. I know I am purposely  sabotaging this partner because I need a reason to be lazy. And I REALLY wanna change that. Going a step further, I have time to step away from my desk whenever I want. I used to leave my desk at 2:30am (the reminder still goes off on my PC) and head to the front room and push out 20 push-ups and 30 crunches/sit-ups. Took fifteen-twenty minutes tops. Then I'd just walk back to my desk. I stopped doing that. Why? Well, my reason is because I will workout with Jake this week, which I then oversleep. See? Excuse after excuse. I had ridden my bike once to work, loved it, was there on time, felt my legs a wee bit sore, but I have only done that once, I have always left "too late" to ride my bike now. I'm telling you people, self-sabotage.

Third is work ethic. I could probably run my shift by myself with one other person as backup in case I got too busy. Since there is normally three of us to divide the work, you can imagine I have quite a bit of time on my hands to kill. I talk to friends on facebook and gmail, read a few technical news articles that interest me, and I watch movies on Netflix and TV on Hulu when time permits. Again, ALL while at work. But I keep looking at what I want to learn, what I want to do with my life, (still choosing between Windows administration and Linux/Unix). Everything that I could learn over the web, I tell myself, "I'll check that out at work," but when I'm at work, I go, "I'll read it in a little bit, this movie looks interesting!" and it never gets read. Seriously, three e-mails in my inbox RIGHT now from Active.com. Furthermore, my work has this FANTASTIC deal with CBTnuggets.com. They can get any training information that I desire in the technical field and give me access. I *know* this is available to me for learning, I *know* I have time to kill at work anyway, but I can't seem to bring up the desire to watch those boring educational 20 min movies. To go along with this, if I choose to go back to school, something I am always thinking about in the back of my mind, I could do the majority of my homework at work. But the hassle with loans and classes, and paragraphs scare me. Damn those facebook posts that read, "Just finished my 15 page paper on _______" I don't think I could ever do that. Most of my 5 PARAGRAPH papers were full of BS. 15 pages? Pfft...

Anyway, to sum it up, I am lazy. I am motivated with no desire. I think the good news is is that I know this, and I have the strength to change, I just need to find the will (I need to find Will). I asked my friend Leasa once, what it was about me that made me so happy. She said it was a really broad question, but it probably had something to do with my house that I rented and my dogs. She also assured me that that I could figure it out. The next day I went and helped my dad carry an A/C unit up the side of a mountain, and afterward, covered in sweat and grime, I smiled. Physical labor seems to make me happy. Pushing myself physically seems to be key. Then it hit me, the work on the house and walking my dogs every day seems to make me happy. I wrote a quote, a while ago, to live for someone else's joy, and you will have joy yourself (the condition of love, as it were). I did that for a long time with my dogs. I lived FOR them, worked, bought amazing dog food, walked them every day, took Linux hiking till I nearly had to carry him out. And I was happy cause he was happy. He knows that he can interrupt my computer game, climb onto my lap and just sit. That brings me joy. Maybe one day I will raise my eyebrows (genuine surprise) as I look in the mirror and see the ME I want.

Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though we pass them by today,
Tomorrow we may come this way
And take the hidden paths that run
Towards the Moon or to the Sun.
- The Fellowship of the Ring (book)
~Just a thought.

EDIT -- Check this out.
http://youtu.be/_9XJMUrRFPA

Ken Magnum

Outside of my family, this man is probably the most influential person who I have ever come across. He is the biggest reason why I am in computers today. Ken always has a view of "the big picture" of life. Though I would never choose to trade lives with Ken, I would love to have just a fraction of his experiences.

He started out as my teacher my sophomore year in high school. My buddy William told me he was an awesome teacher and boy was he right. I ended up having two classes with him that year, A+StRUT and Networking. His teachings were beyond computers though, he was all about business and life. He questioned a lot of our morals by asking, "If you were guaranteed to be successful at a bank robbery, would you go through with it." Most of the class said yes, I mean who wouldn't want large amounts of money? I, on the other hand, said no. Then he asked me why and continued to see if I would change my mind. I'm happy to say that I didn't budge, and he was happy I could stick to being the black sheep and not give into peer pressure. I remember another time when a student named Dean was in the class.. Now  Dean and I didn't get along during high school. We've known each other since first grade, live two doors down from each other our whole lives, and used to be best friends, it didn't end up that way. Trying to be mature and wanting to avoid any confrontations, I told Mr. Magnum about our distaste for each other. So, being the good, mature teacher that Mr. Magnum was, he assigned us different tasks on opposite ends of the room, right?
Wrong.
Mr. Magnum said OK, and at the start of the class, he rearranged seats so I sat next to Dean. Throughout the year, any errand Dean or I needed to run he sent both of us together. At the time I was quite annoyed, but looking back I understand. Any of our previous fights were pointless cause we needed to work together. Furthermore, the fights were quite stupid and childish. I never thought you could teach maturity, but he sure as hell put ours to the test. And we are friends and get along together today.

During one of our class sessions, a spokeswoman came in to our class and told us about the technical school she works for. Right then and there I was hooked. I signed up and I actually enrolled before I graduated. I remember having Ken's number and calling him on my cell after my first day of class, and I told him that thanks to him, I am now enrolled in Computer Networking and Security at High-Tech Institute.

Fast forward to halfway through my college career. I get a call from Ken. He says he is looking for an IT professional and wanted to know if I'd be interested in the position. He said that it would be half maintenance of the daycare his wife ran, along with making house calls to the businesses he had on contract. The very next day I quit Wal-mart and started working for Ken Magnum for Phoenix Digital Fortress. My company car was his, a 2008 Dodge Charger fully loaded. He had to calmly remind me that going 20 over the speed limit was a federal offense. We worked on mostly everything together, from painting to hedge trimming and other maintenance on the daycare. And then heading to customers home's to set up VPN's. He gave me a lot of freedom on when and how I worked, priorities, and every job was different than the last. He still was a mentor first over boss though, I remember one day we were outside painting the fence of the daycare and I wasn't in the best of moods. It was hot and I was an IT man painting! I was slightly frustrated with this and expressed it to Ken. He replied with a quote I'll never forget, "What are you talking about? This is the meaning of life Brandon." I ended up looking at him quizzically. "If this is your biggest worry and your biggest bother, than your life is probably a pretty damn good one." Now, I have brought that quote with me wherever I go. It makes petty bothers and annoying tasks easier, because there could be a LOT worse situations, a LOT of bigger problems.

As you can probably tell throughout the post, I have switched from Mr. Magnum to Ken. It took me nearly half of my time working with him to switch from Mr. Magnum to Ken. I always called his wife by her first name, along with everyone there, after all, I was an equal employee with equal responsibilities. I eventually DID make the switch though, and now I find it amusing when his former students (my classmates) call him Mr. Magnum, whereas I call him Ken.

I am saddened to say that I was still immature during employment, and to me it was a job, not a career. I slacked off and I know I didn't live up to his expectations. He wanted a pupil, someone to take over the actual work side of Phoenix Digital so he could focus on other aspects of what he wanted to accomplish and I let him down. I even called out on my last day. If I could go back and change it I would. I don't think that I would have stayed working for him for a dozen other reasons, but being lazy was not the impression I wanted to leave.

"The meaning of life is painting a fence" - Ken Magnum
~Just a thought

Siblings

I thought about making separate posts for the siblings that have effected me in extraordinary ways. However, the ones I'm closest to have effected me in similar fashions, and I don't want to be repeating myself. There is one sibling who stands out in my mind.

Dylan Hoffman is one of nine brothers (11 siblings) and he has probably effected me most. He still has, what I call, fallen morals. Morals that every male (and every human being) should instill into their lives. He's a gentleman to every lady who encounters him. Old school gentleman too. He shows me what I used to be and why I should still be that way. I've seen Dylan unhappy before, but he doesn't bitch or complain ever. He's very logical. I remember one time, I go over to my moms after he had some VERY major surgery on his mouth, (As to why, that's a story you'll have to ask him.) Anyway, I go over to see him cause I know he's miserable. I ask him if he needs anything, and of course he says no. I let him know that if he needs to vent or bitch or complain, that I'm here for him. He just simply shakes his head and replies, "Complaining doesn't do anything for anyone. There is no progress in complaining." ..... Even though I think complaining makes ME feel better, he's got a valid point. Now, he doesn't mean valid issues, but just plain complaining to complain. He just refused to do it. The final thing Dylan taught me (which surprises me even now) is that there are different forms of happiness. Looking back it seems stupid. But I always thought that what makes *me* happy, is what others desire to make them happy too. Being in shape, being good at something, and being included are the BIG three for me. So, naturally, I always tried to include him in what I was doing, always tried to get him to come out and work out with me and Tylor, walk with us, do SOMETHING. I never believed him when he told me he's happy where he's at physically (which is thin) and he doesn't mind NOT being included in every little thing, he enjoys self-projects. I basically refused to believe that until recently. So thank you Dylan. It made me think as to what really made me happy, and I think I figured it out.

Now, one fear I have for posting this is sibling rage (who's effected me in what way, why aren't they posted about, etc.), but I chose to post it because this is about me, not them. On the same token, I don't think Dylan and I are as close as I'd like to be, nor am I his favorite sibling, and probably not his favorite bother (he has choices after all).

Tiffany and I can talk about anything without getting uncomfortable. I remember the time where we crossed that line about talking about sex, we were at Dos Gringos. It was crossed, we thought we might get uncomfortable, (after all I do not want to hear about the man climbing onto my sister NO THANK YOU), but we weren't. We keep it vague, but funny stories that we don't feel comfortable about telling other people we can talk about there. We also share relationship struggles and have become happy with just being single for the time being. We were each others best friend and always can still call each other for anything.

Jeremy keeps the child living inside of me. The moment I think I'm done with gaming, done with computers, or done with anything child-like, he ropes me back in. Even going as far as buying me a game I chose not to buy just so I have the option to play with him. Just the other day Jeremy texted Tiffany, Dylan and I saying that he was heading over to our mom's with his kids. So all three of us went there. He said that mom's house is the hub of our visits, but in reality he is. Jeremy has that personality that you are just drawn to.

This does end the family portion (for now) of who has effected my life. Next comes friends and ex's. cause let's face it, you wouldn't be who you are without'em.

I think I'm going to start posting the musings of my week on weekends. A mesh of the two blogs I talked about in my early posts. Keeps it lively.


It is not good enough to be good if you have the ability to be better. - Albert Lee Cox
~Just a thought.